The Human Whose Name Is Written In This Fanfiction
by Gen Duruk
Summary: Tired of reading the same old terrible fanfiction? Want a good laugh? Want to improve your writing? If you answered yes to any of these questions, this fic is for you! If you answered no to all of them this fic is still for you! Reviews or flames welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: In which L has sexual relations with an OC and a strawberry.

L was staring at a computer screen for reasons that the author was not creative enough to invent. He was thinking about how bad Kira was (because obviously the question just hadn't crossed his mind until then.) The raven-haired man (because you aren't allowed to just say 'black') was eating a strawberry (because he never seems to eat anything else, possibly caused by more uncreative authors) and thinking.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," said L (because the detective was apparently in the habit of chatting with anyone bumming about on the streets of Tokyo).

Then she walked in. She was the most stunning creature L had ever laid eyes on. She had long hair of many undefined colors. Her wide eyes were a deep, rich shade of more undefined color. She was dressed in an outfit most would define as 'skanky' but L seemed incapable of not describing in painful detail. In fact, she appeared to be wearing so many clothes at the same time it was a wonder that her perfectly toned voluptuous frame could hold it up.

L could tell that she was extremely intelligent (because most people can judge intelligence based off of the size of your boobs).

"Hello," she said with a dazzling smile. "My name is Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji. I would like to join the task force even though I'm just an American teenager (because my name is so clearly American) with no skills and even less experience."

L looked into her sea green (or was that golden? or possibly magenta?) eyes and felt the inexplicable urge to tell her all his personal information right then and there.

"I am L, the one who is leading the investigation. My current suspect is a man named Light Yagami. I am an orphan. I speak over 10 languages. I'm a Scorpio. My favorite color is blue. When I was a boy…" But before L could finish recounting his life story to the mysterious girl that he barely knew he regained a small bit of sanity.

"Before you join the task force even though you have absolutely no reason to and will probably be more of a hindrance than a help, I must ask… are you Kira?" (Because this was the most deeply probing question L knew and of course no one would lie about it)

"Of course I'm not Kira! I am bizarrely enraged by the fact that you are even suspicious although you have every right to be! How dare you insult me like this!" Yumi Toyota Nintendo- oh screw it- said angrily.

"I'm sorry. I know that I should always endanger my life just to make sure I don't hurt strangers' feelings. I'm just so socially inept it's hard for me. You see, I never had a mother…" But before L could launch into his tragic past rant he regained his sanity for another precious moment.

"So Yumi, why do you want to catch Kira?" L asked, his charcoal/onyx/velvety black/ocean blue/turquoise/puce/???? eyes looking intensely into hers. Or maybe just at her cleavage.

"I want to catch Kira because he killed my father who was one of the FBI agents."

"So you're out for revenge?"

"No actually I'm your long lost childhood friend and I want to make sure that you stay safe on this case."

"Strange. I can't seem to remember meeting you. Perhaps this is a side affect of the fact that I appear to go brain dead when you're around."

"You don't remember me because I was just the girl in the café all those years ago who kindly gave you a strawberry when you where hungry."

"Wait, so then if you just gave me a strawberry, why do you want to catch Kira again?"

"Because I'm your prime suspects twin sister and guess what, he's Kira! I didn't tell you until now because I don't actually care if people are dying for some reason. I also don't care if you kill my brother for some reason so that's why I'm turning him in."

"Wait, this doesn't make any sense!"

"I'm just kidding. I'm only your insurance agent."

L smiled admiringly at this crazy yet beautiful girl (because this phrase must be used at least once to describe true love).

"Well since I am immediately convinced that you are not Kira, welcome to the task force!" L said with a strangely adorable smile (because this phrase must also be used at least once to describe true love). "Why don't you impress us with your rather dim version of genius for a while and the rest of us can make cute humorless jokes about sweets?"

"Awesome! Even though my existence basically solves the case we should just let people die for a bit longer while we frolic!" The crazy-yet-beautiful girl chirped and playfully stole L's strawberry.

A few candy-fetish sex romps and cringe inducing bonding scenes later L and his lovely love interest were relaxing at task force headquarters.

"Would you care for a strawberry, sweetie?" Asked L, eating one himself (because the author thinks strawberries are the most adorable thing to eat, never mind that L is most likely on the brink of death from malnourishment at this point).

"I would love a strawberry but right now I need to go have a pointless scene with Misa." Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji said before skipping out of the room, laughing her infectious and wild laugh. She was always ready for adventure and fun wasn't she?

"Be careful love, use an alias because she may be the second Kira and I couldn't live without you!" L called after her with compassion and concern in his eyes (because thanks to true love he was no longer an ethically challenged and emotionally dead lunatic).

Luckily for Yumi, Misa Amane became best friends with anyone who played dress-up with her.

"Hi Misa, I know that you're a crazy Kira-supporting clingy girlfriend but I think we should be friends. My name is Aioeula Flowermoon."

"Wow," said Misa perkily (because anyone who doesn't hate Misa will inevitably describe her as perky). "That name was so full of vowels I believe it."

After a few hours of describing Yumi/Aioeula's makeover in excruciating detail all the problems appeared to be solved again.

"You're going to look so cute for L! I hope you have fun on your date tonight! Don't worry about the Kira case, we can put that on hold for love." Misa said perkily. She was wearing a perky gothic dress and her perky golden hair was put into perky pigtails. She looked perky.

As Yumi –insert long name here- strolled down the undescribed Tokyo street to the place where she was going to meet L, she realized that the story had inevitably shifted to mostly her perspective.

L met her for dinner and they ate (you guessed it) strawberries. L looked strangely adorable. Suddenly everyone realized how boring this was becoming.

"Since you are my true love I have decided to tell you my real name, it's L Lawliet." L whispered romantically (because he looks like such a romantic guy).

"That is a beautiful name. I think I will call you that in public from now on because it makes me seem closer to you. Giving away your identity is no problem for me." Yumi said then kissed L deeply, passionately, sweetly (because we just had to make that joke). Suddenly they realized that the world might end, they were out of strawberries!

It was such an amazingly exciting plot twist that L had an uncharacteristic breakdown before trotting off to fetch more.

Unfortunately for the young lovers a very evil man who for some reason had been left out of the story until this point was out to get them. Yes, Light Yagami had decided for some reason that ruining L's love life through sheer evilness was far more important than purging the world of crime.

The vile slime that was Light Yagami snuck up behind Yumi as she awaited her lover's return with the strawberries and for a no reason whatsoever decided to kidnap her. Giving away his identity. Sinking to the level of what he despised. For no adequately explored reason.

Explanations aside, Light took Yumi to his dark underground lair where he proceeded to torture/rape/verbally abuse/ force her to play Go Fish with him. He twisted his metaphorical evil mustache and readers might wonder why he did not call Misa to assist him but they would soon be informed that her friendship with Yumi had left her completely absolved of sin.

Light tried for hours to get Yumi to tell him L's real name (because he certainly couldn't just kidnap L at this stage and kill him the old fashioned way). Motives have become a bit foggy but everyone understands why L comes barging in to save the day. It is because of true love. True love is sort of like GPS these days.

Light laughed evilly.

"Don't come near L, I will write her name down if you even try to stop me." The dramatic tension is rising remarkably. The writer is unaware that no one has been reading this since the 5 chapters ago where all they did was say cutesy things and eat strawberries.

Suddenly Yumi gave her beautiful cherry sweet (because that didn't make us want to vomit) smile and L knew that everything was going to be alright (that did).

"You can't kill me because I didn't tell you my real name!"

"What? No! Aioeula Flowermoon was such a realistic name!" Light screamed in horror, his evil face twisted with evil.

""You're so clever," said L admiringly to Yumi.

"Also you can't defeat me Light." Yumi said and her eyes began to glow. "I have the eyes of a shinigami so we have proof that you're Kira. I also have a special Death Note that can bring people back from the dead so even if you kill us it will do no good. I can also fly and shoot laser beams out of my tush. Oh, and I'm the chosen one."

"Honey, this may seem strange to ask but why didn't you tell me before? We could have solved all of the barely existing problems." L said in a now rare moment of thought.

"Shut up darling or I'll fart sparks at you when we have sex."

So Light the wicked vermin was sent to rot in jail, everyone miraculously decided not to arrest Misa, and L and Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji had hundreds of fat babies with ridiculous names.

And then all the ones who weren't despicable cowards that killed the author's favorite character in canon lived happily ever after.

Until L died tragically from a strawberry overdose the following year and Yumi had lost all her magic powers during childbirth.

**Author's Note: Hey internet! Did you lol? Did you get hopelessly offended? Leave me a comment! Flames welcome!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: In which unexplained sex occurs and Misa squeals.

Light and L woke up one morning while handcuffed together (because these stories always ALWAYS take place during this timeframe). Light discovered that during the night he appeared to have rolled over and wrapped his arms around L. He quickly disentangled himself, embarrassed; he hated having to share a bed with the detective (because these stories always ALWAYS have them sharing a bed).

Never mind the fact that L was an insomniac, he only seemed to sleep when it was convenient for Light to have a monologue about him (because Light's monologues really are that boring).

L woke up after Light wasted a few dull minutes ranting about how L was the only person he had ever seen as an equal. They then went to the kitchen together (because they must go to the kitchen together at some point) and had another very dull conversation about the Kira case. Luckily for the reader, this is just about the last time the Kira case will be mentioned in this story.

L was eating cake, of course with the ever-present strawberries, and Light was complaining (because in this fanfic Light is a whining prima donna with none of the polite reserve he showed in the original story).

Light and L then had another very generic and very dull conversation about L's eating habits, which the author attempted to lace with sexual tension to no effect. Readers are beginning to sense that they have read this exact same dialog. There is an eerie familiarity in everything these characters are doing.

After an interminably long time the scene ends and the author now believes that this is enough set up for anything else that might occur in the story.

With that pesky beginning out of the way we turn our gaze to "generic task force head quarters room". L and Light were sitting next to each other on the couch enjoying the bond of friendship… or is it just friendship?

Misa was sitting across from them squealing. Misa is very annoying, everyone hates her. She is stupid, she is annoying, she is squealing. She is blonde. She gets in the way of a certain two someone's having a relationship so the reader must endure a few long moments of Misa bashing before the story can slowly grind back into action.

Light sat on the couch and watched L and Misa have "generic squabble" that holds the same unnerving similarity as the rest of the dialog. Light thought about how much he disliked Misa even though she was his girlfriend and how one-sided the relationship was. The reader is now banging his head against the keyboard and screaming something like 'I get it!' repeatedly.

L was watching Light and describing him in loving detail. This is apparently what people do when they like each other; they list the physical attributes of the other person using creative metaphors. L so happens to describe Light more like a pastry than an attractive young college student. Readers are supposed to accept this because L likes sweets.

At this point everyone realized that the story had spun off into a pointless and plotless dribble.

Suddenly L spontaneously forgot that he was an anti-social detective working on one of the most dangerous cases in the world.

"I believe that we are all too tired (because all that Light induced plot sleep is not restful) and stressed to continue working today. Lets take the day off and go to the beach/an amusement park/ a baseball game/ American idol try-outs/ a strip club."

Misa squealed annoyingly about all the fun she was going to have with Light and then skipped off to get dressed up like the slut she was. The rest of the task force was also surprisingly willing to quit working on the case they swore they would give their lives for that day.

When they all arrived at "generic fun location" L and Light engaged in more banter, aka trading clichés.

The minute that annoying squealy bimbo Misa skipped out of the scene L began to ask supposedly adorable questions about the workings of social structure. This managed to be surprisingly uninteresting.

Next there was a "generic bonding scene" were L talked about how he was a sad little orphan boy who never had a mother's love. Readers try not to throw up. Light gave L a "generic 'sorry you had a crappy childhood' speech" and probably ended the speech with some cliché revelation involving the importance of 'letting people into your heart.'

Readers begin to wonder who the sappy cuddler that has replaced Light Yagami is. He just didn't seem like this type of guy in the original (because murdering people to become a god is so sweet).

They ended the day by making fun of Matsuda who has probably ended up in trouble somehow. Aren't they such sensitive and thoughtful guys?

That night, after that annoying squealy bimbo Misa had gone to bed, L and Light were back to "generic banter" and cake eating. The story had now come full circle and those who were still reading the story prepared themselves for more mind-numbing boredom.

Luckily (or not) all of the "character development" that had occurred that day somehow led the writer to conclude that she was now ready to write a sex scene.

It will begin with L asking a pathetic question about kissing to reference the dreary scene earlier involving social structure. Light will give some sickening response about how he could "show him".

(Because we all know that one day of generic dialog plus Light not loving his girlfriend plus L explaining his tragic past ALWAYS equals true love, aka sex!)

The phrase "you are my only equal" will probably be used.

The scene will then disintegrate to a very vague description of sex that with few words changed could just as easily be a drug trip. There is a high probability that only the parts you didn't want to hear about will be described in detail. For some reason, even though he just could not grasp social structure, L has a bizarre amount of sexual experience.

The next morning L and Light returned to "generic task force headquarters room" Misa squealed annoyingly. Then suddenly, L lost his mind.

A mysterious and complex chemical reaction occurred in his brain after sex causing him to be unable to think about anything else. He proceeded to tackle Light every chance he saw and make perverted comments to the point of sexual harassment. This is not regarded as a problem by anyone but Misa, and because she is an annoying squealy bimbo her opinion does not matter.

This part can stretch on for ten minutes or ten days. There is, in fact, a greater amount of sex jokes than there are mentions of Kira. And speaking of the Kira case, it has come to a complete standstill leaving the reader very surprised when the story magically skips to them catching Higuchi.

The reader now anticipates something better, because at the bottom of Pandora's box there is always hope. Finally the story will explore the psychological drama of being in a sex-based work relationship with a nemesis.

The reader is wrong.

The moment that Light touches the Death Note and regains his memories he discovers a strange side affect. Angst. Lots and lots of angst.

Which will he choose, power and glory or true love? Will he stay with the ever squealy and annoying Misa or with his only equal and lover L? The suspense is deadly (because Light definitely wouldn't get power and glory if he works with the greatest detective in the world).

Light remembered the times when all he did when was get tackled and molested. What good times they were. Light remembered how sad and lonely L was as a poor little orphan boy.

Light decided that he must give up being Kira and marry his true love. Which is L in case you forgot.

Unfortunately there is still that pesky business involving not being caught. Light decided that the only noble thing to do in this situation is frame Misa for the whole thing because everyone would believe that and she is an annoying squealy bimbo anyways (because Rem apparently does not exist in this universe and will do nothing to stop him).

So the Kira case is solved and L and Light have a spectacular make-out session in front of everyone. Fortunately everyone is completely accepting of a sex-based work relationship between two men. Even Mr. Yagami.

Light can also live with the guilt of killing hundred of people after he has reformed and L for some reason decides that the case is closed (because there is no way Light could be Kira! He would never LIE right?).

L then developed a strange compulsion to adopt all of the children at Wammy's house, or at least all the important ones. They then lived a happy family life involving L and Light having a sort of constant sex and a house full of fighting emotionally scarred children.

Ryuk is probably bored out of his mind and it is a wonder that he has not killed them all and left.

The reader leaves the story in confusion, how could something so generic and cliché also make so little sense? It feels like you have read it a thousand times yet somehow no one has been able to figure out any of the plot holes.

Slash is indeed a mysterious thing but in the end we shall say that everyone was happy, even Matsuda who probably hooked up with Mikami or something.

**Author's Note: Thank you for all the lovely reviews! I'm glad that someone actually cares what I have to say XD. So yes, planning on plenty more of these. Rating going up too. I don't really have anything against slash itself but doesn't anyone else find that these are getting a bit stale? **


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: In which a tragic OC becomes a slut.

Name: Raven Phoenix Jade Cooper Brooklyn Mickenzie

Age: 17

Hair: Black with rainbow streaks, long, and straight, jagged bangs.

Eyes: Midnight Blue

Clothes: Ripped skinny jeans, converse, motorcycle jacket, MCR tee.

Sorry to put you through that but I am simply too lazy to introduce myself in any other way. I also think that you're probably too thick to figure out what I look like in paragraph form.

I live in the ghetto of NYC with my dad. My mom was a stripper who dumped me on him when I was born and then killed herself in front of our house when I was 5 years old. She blew her brains out all over me and I still have horrible nightmares about it. Why did I feel the need to tell you that? I love to shock and disturb. Maybe that's why I don't have any friends. Oh I am so very lonely!

My father is an alcoholic child-molesting drug dealer who doesn't have a job and beats me when he is mad, which is all the time. He makes me clean the house (because the author is more than likely pissed at her parents for some equally dreadful form of slave labor). I also got gang raped once while walking to Ghetto High, where I am incidentally the smartest student.

Now I'm sure you're wondering, if I'm so bright why on earth don't I get myself out of this absurdly crappy situation. The answer is that I love my father too much. Don't question it; I have this weird thing for abusive males.

It would be in your best interest not to ask whether I use my genius to simply avoid my father via trickery or manipulation. Some questions are not meant to be asked.

One day when I was feeling particularly morose after a dreadful nightmare that no one cared about how tragic my past was, I decided to go moan about the park where I got raped and compose morbid poetry. I love to write poetry and I am naturally super good at it.

In the park I turned on my ipod (because my terrible daddy always buys me expensive technology even though we have no money.) After wasting your time by typing out the lyrics of some crap emo/pop song for a while I proceeded to list my very sophisticated (because Linkin Park really tops out the music scene) taste in music.

"What a charming voice you have! It is full of understanding and pain but rings out clear and true and moves anyone who hears it to tears. And your taste in music is really refined." Said a random drunk hobo.

"Weren't you one of the guys who raped me?"

"My bad."

All of a sudden I heard sirens (because sirens is a ghetto are really uncommon)! I jumped to my feet and ran on my skinny legs towards the sound. Then I was filled with horror, even though you think I would be used to that by now. My house was on fire! All of my ridiculously expensive and decadent gifts were burning! Oh yeah, and my father was too.

I raced into the house (because I really am such a bright kid) screaming for my father. Then I saw him, lying passed out on the living room floor. I miraculously acquired the power to carry him out of the house (because I certainly couldn't have defended myself earlier like this) and dragged him out onto the street. I guess the firefighters really can't compete with an abused minor.

I could feel burns all over my body and was about to pass out but I could only cry for my poor abusive father.

"No! This is all inexplicably my fault! I should have been there to take care of you! Who will abuse me now? Who will buy me ipods? Who will bring home a different hooker every night? Who will finance my elaborate wardrobe with the money from his nonexistent job? Who will molest me when he gets high? What will I do now?"

Then the blackness took over me and I thought no more.

Then I got bored with describing undramatic stuff and skipped to the part where characters we actually care about can be defiled.

I had been sent to an orphanage called Wammy's house in England. I was chosen because of my supposed intelligence but in reality Wammy's house had been changed to an orphanage only for beautiful teenagers with tragic back-stories.

"Hello Miss Raven Phoenix Jade Cooper Brooklyn Mickenzie, that is one hell of a name. Welcome to Wammy's House. You may call me Watari. I will not be making an appearance for the rest of the story because too much adult supervision is lame. Unfortunately you will have to room with a boy because apparently there are no other girls here. Well except Linda but she's kind of a whore."

The old man led me to my room. When I walked into my room I saw my new roommates.

There was a really hot blonde boy wearing black leather in a bondage-y sort of way. He had ice blue eyes and a narrow sharp face. There was a hungry ambition in his eyes and he was eating a bar of chocolate (because no reader will ever be able to guess who this is unless the chocolate is mentioned). It was love at first sight.

There was also a really hot red haired boy with quirky cool goggles. He had a laid-back smile on his sharp face and lounged on his bed with athletic grace. He looked cool and relaxed but a little shy and he was playing DS (because my poor dead father bought me one of those to). Oh who could it be, the suspense is killing me! It was love at first sight.

There was a knock on the door and a really hot slender boy with white hair and dark eyes appeared. He looked small and gentle. There was loneliness written all over is small face. He looked sweet and adorable and he was holding a toy robot in his hand (because I don't know the definition of 'painfully obvious' by this point). It was love at first sight.

"Get out of our room Near, you loser." Said the blonde boy to the one with white hair.

"I just wanted to see the new girl, Mello." Whispered Near as he slunk out of the room.

"Hi I'm Matt and this is Mello. That was Near over there. You look cool, what's your name?" Said the redhead. I suddenly felt warm; this was the first genuine friendliness I had ever experienced (because you aren't throwing up hard enough yet).

"You can call me Raven." I said with a smile. "Hey do you guys want to hear about my obscenely good taste in music? I'm sure you love all the same stuff. I could sing some for you…"

"That's sounds awesome but first I should ask, do you have a tragic past?" Mello asked.

"Uh, no, no of course not." I lied. I didn't want to explore those painful memories now. My 'Emotional Scars' were still too new.

"Why don't you play video games with us while we diss Near?" Said Matt, showing me his insanely large collection of games.

"Bring it on!" I said in a tough and cool sort of way and my roommates laughed. "Let's sing though first." I began to sing another gothy pop song.

"Wow! You are the best singer I have ever heard! Your voice is so sad yet beautiful, are you sure you don't have a tragic past?" Matt said in awe.

"Well actually…" And the next thing I knew it was three hours later and I had spilled the whole story to the people I had instantly bonded with for about 10 minutes.

"That's so tragic!" Exclaimed Matt.

"Strangely the same thing happened to both of us!" Said Mello. "What are the odds?"

"Since we all seem to have tragic pasts, an unexplainable bond and equally superior taste why don't we hang out for an interminably long time having supposedly humorous escapades?" I said feeling cheerful for the first time in, well, ever.

"Sounds good. While we're at it why don't we introduce sexual tension amongst all of us?" Added Mello.

"Yeah and maybe we could completely blow off this orphanage and move to an apartment where the plot will make less sense!" Said Matt.

And so we did.

Unfortunately one day I was caught in a sexual looking situation with Matt and Mello became enraged.

"You can't tell me how to live Mello! Besides, why do you care?" I shouted feeling very tragic.

"I care because I'm in love with you! Wait, no, maybe I'm in love with Matt and I'm jealous."

"It doesn't matter because I'm in love with Near. Why are you so mean to him? He's really kind and frightened!" I declared.

"But I'm in love with Near!" Howled Mello. "And you and Matt."

"And I'm in love with you to Mello, and Matt and Near… and possibly Watari." I shrieked. "Oh this is so hard! Why does everyone have to love me? I don't want to hurt anyone! I don't know what I want! Why is everyone here so obsessed with sex?"

"Because you're the only girl Raven, well, except Linda but she's kind of a whore." Reminded Matt.

Then Near walked in and then scene amazingly became more complicated.

Just then I had a genius idea (because I'm a genius remember… REMEMBER?!).

"Why don't we all just hook up? If everyone loves everyone we should just have a giant Wammy orgy!" I proclaimed. Everyone agreed that this was the only sensible thing to do.

And so we did.

Then L came back and gave everyone his blessing and I forgot all about my tragic past and the days were nothing but happy jolly fun!

I went back to Wammy's house to visit the children and read them picture books (because geniuses can't do that and those are the only type of books I can read). I'm so kind and thoughtful right?

I saw a sad little girl being admitted to the orphanage and realized how far I had come from being just like her. I heard Watari giving his usual entrance lecture.

"…You will have to room with a boy because there are no other girls. Except Linda and Raven but they're kind of whores."

I had finally found a home.

Kira? Kira who?

**Author's Note: Oh wow I hate stories like this so much, they are so very horrid and self-indulgent. Honestly. Ew. So thank you all you kind people who reviewed! I would give you I prize but... well, I won't. So I'm going to take more time writing the next one, okay? Then it will be super good. Any favorite lines yet?**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: In which everyone hates that slime Light Yagami and loves Misa

"Ryuzaki, please let Misa have some of your cake!" Misa whined, pouting her full lips and looking up at the sullen detective.

"No. This cake is not for Misa." Said L and hungrily shoved it into his mouth. Misa leaned forward, trying to grab a bite but L held it away from her as they squabbled.

Meanwhile, Light was sitting across from them on the couch wondering why everyone had been reduced to the mentality of a 5 year old.

Misa was decked out in her usual array of long complex descriptions that day. She was looking adorable as usual and was very perky (because we are so not done with using that word).

L was also looking adorable that day. In fact, everything about him was just screaming fetish. His panda-like (because all L fangirls just have this weird thing about pandas) eyes were full of mischief as he battled Misa for the cake.

"Light, please help Misa! Ryuzaki is being selfish!" Misa pleaded with her boyfriend.

"No I won't help you until you start using pronouns again like a normal person." Light said.

"Light is a bad boyfriend to Misa!" Misa began to cry.

"Yes, it makes me think that Light is Kira." Said L, suddenly remembering that he had a job. He thought to himself about how cold and cruel Light was to Misa (because he was so cruel when he got his memories back in the actual series!).

Even though Light was still dating her even though he didn't love her and had refused L's proposal to have him emotionally manipulate her, Light Yagami was just a dick. He probably kicked puppies in his spare time. And he didn't like cake. He was such a jerk.

After the Light bashing had finally concluded the scene changes to L meeting Misa alone in the halls of task force headquarters one night. Do not ask why Light is not there too seeing as he is supposed to be handcuffed to L. The reason is that L only removes the handcuffs when the plot needs to advance.

"Why is Misa crying?" L asked and Misa jumped, unaware than anyone had been there.

"It is nothing, Ryuzaki should not worry about Misa." Misa sniffed, her sapphire eyes wet with tears and her ruby lips shaking (because Misa can only be described using gemstones).

"Here, Misa may share this cake." L said pulling a cake out of his magical cake-holding pockets. Misa was overwhelmed by the sweetness of this gesture. Light had never been as kind and understanding as L. He was so sensitive and naive and gentle (because most people would characterize the man who wanted to keep them locked up until they confessed as 'gentle').

At that moment L saw that there was a bruise marring the perfect pale flash of Misa's cheek.

"Does Light abuse Misa! Ryuzaki will kill him!" Said L in a violent rage but Misa's devotion to Light and her kind nature (because a girl who threatens to kill rival lovers if she sees them is really so kind) kept her from accusing her boyfriend.

"Light is a good boyfriend even if he gets angry with Misa's inability to use pronouns!" She defended Light.

"Misa should have a boyfriend who takes care of her, who would never hurt her. Misa is too good for Light. Misa deserves true love!" L proclaimed in an uncharacteristic display of passion. At this point it is useless to assume that anyone will be in character ever again and we should assume that these are completely different characters that just happen to have the same names as the ones from Death Note.

"Who would give Misa that?" Misa asked pitifully.

Then L unexpectedly leaned in and kissed her. He tasted like strawberries, was an abnormally experienced kisser, she had never felt like this before, blah blah blah, the usual.

So nasty wicked abusive Light was left all alone while his girlfriend had a long drawn out affair with the detective. He didn't really care because that meant he was off the handcuffs and had more time to kick puppies or something.

Even though Light obviously didn't care, L and Misa made sure to keep their relationship a secret. They went on a series of dates that sounded suspiciously like the ones from the LxLight story only with more cutesy garbage and fewer pronouns. This period extends for a long and very dull time.

Of course Misa has magically forgotten her love for Light (because it was just shallow and superficial, like most relationships were one person offers to give up their life for the other). She now only loves L and has sworn to protect him from Kira.

Speaking of Kira she has magically forgotten her love for him to (because the avenging her parents thing paled in comparison to cake sharing). To explain this the author may declare that this is an AU where L was the one who brought the murderer of her family to justice.

L also doesn't care that she is suspect of being the second Kira. We are not really sure he would give a crap if he knew she WAS the second Kira. This is because he has gone from super genius to retarded 5 year old. It is an effect of the perkiness that is Misa. He most likely tells her his real name for no reason except that it sounds cuter than Ryuzaki. This is because he is a blithering idiot.

Since the rest of this story would be far too boring to recount in detail we shall summarize. Misa regains her memories but apparently doesn't care that she was a Kira and instead defeats Light and then hooks up with L.

Light probably gets sent to prison where he is probably raped by his cellmates and he slowly goes insane. We do not get to hear about this, however, seeing as this would make the story actually interesting.

This whole tale may sound nearly identical to any LxOC story and that is because it is. Misa has been reduced to a sort of cannon Mary Sue. She is beautiful, more intelligent that she looks, devoted to L, and of course perky.

The story ends on a diabetically sweet note where L and Misa get married and have a child that they name Lawliet and L works on cases and Misa models and they come home at night and cuddle. Why don't we throw in that they also adopt everyone from Wammy's house so this gets even happier?

They probably can't even say 'I do' at the wedding because that would require the dreaded pronouns. 'Misa does' and 'Lawliet does' will have to do. Then they have sex in the wedding cake.

Here's a fun game, read these stories and count how many times they use pronouns. Then count how many times they mention pandas. Throwing up guarantee.

The reader is left dissatisfied. L and Misa could of made such a good pairing! L is slightly evil, a devious liar, and has no qualms about using people's emotions for his own gain. Misa is psychotic, pathetically devoted but sexually unfulfilled, and will resort to murder to get what she wants. This could have been fun, not the sickeningly sweet little fantasy that was written.

Then all the good guys lived happily ever after. Except for Rem. Rem apparently doesn't exist in this universe either. Feeling a bit slighted she probably kills them all in the end and demands not to be left out of another fic seeing as she was pretty necessary to the plot. But no one likes Rem…

**Author's Note: Hey kids! Still enjoying? Plenty more to come in the future... I have plans. Excited? Also if you have a request for some horrible type of Death Note story I will take it into consideration so give it a try!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: In which Wammy's House becomes a whorehouse

Mello and Matt had been best friends ever since they had both arrived at Wammy's House. They had bonded over their mutually tragic pasts (because we cannot escape the tragic pasts) and now were as close as can be.

Mello was a spastic blonde German/French/Croatian/Russian/Czech/Vulcan boy who was prone to sudden violence and irrational fury. He wore bondage clothes everyday, had rather long blonde hair and shunned the company of women but if anyone challenged his red-blooded masculinity he was likely to resort to murder.

Matt was a pathetic sniveling drip of a boy with no clear nationality. Although he tried to be a laid-back and cool friend he ended up a clingy whining annoyance. He also was so pathetically devoted to Mello it was sickening (because when Matt does this it's cute and when Misa does it's gross).

One day Mello was standing around in the halls of Wammy's House (because we never see them actually go to class in this place for some reason). He watched as Near walked down the hall, playing with a toy.

I sure do hate my rival Near, thought Mello, he thinks he's so much better than me just because he's got the cutest little white ass in the school… and such large dreamy eyes. At that moment Mello remembered that he was supposed to be tough and manly.

Of course this was pointless, Mello realized, everyone in Wammy's House is gay so why do I even bother?

Mello then walked back to his room to get some chocolate. Matt was sitting in the corner playing video games.

"Hey Matt, do you ever wonder if we have blatant sexual tension?" Mello asked. The moment Mello pronounced the syllable 'sex' Matt launched himself across the room, glomping Mello onto the ground (because Matt must always snap at such a moment to reveal his true feelings of luuuuuuv).

"Oh I'm so sorry Mello. I would hate to ruin our friendship because of something like this. I couldn't live without you! Oh god what have I done?!" Wailed Matt pathetically.

Mello decided that the only sensible thing to do that would show his friend that he was also deeply in love with him was to spontaneously have underage sex with him. Sounds like a good idea huh, two 15-year-old males doing it in their dorm room?

After they had finished Matt insisted that they cuddle and say revolting trollop about how they would always stay true to one another.

"Oh Melly (because Matt must always call him by some horrid nickname), I love watching you sleep, sometimes I stay up all night just looking at you and reviewing my collection of your used Kleenex." Matt sighed and stoked Mello's golden hair.

You might think that Mello would become frightened by this disturbing display, or at least sense the awkwardness. You would be wrong here.

"Mail (because yet again, using real names is the ultimate sign of affection), you know I love you and you mean the world to me but I have to leave Wammy's House and join the mafia. I swear it's not commitment issues, I just have to beat Near now that L is dead." Mello said tenderly.

"Take me with you Mello please!" Begged Matt.

"Sorry man, the mafia would probably kill me if I brought along my underage gay lover. They just don't seem like an accepting bunch. Well, not unless this is one of those really creepy stories where you turn out to be a chic. Aw, come on, cheer up. How bout a quickie before I leave?" Cooed Mello.

And so the lovers bid their teary farewells and Mello set off to make his fortune in the world. Matt waited many years for him before eventually leaving Wammy's House to find him. He traveled to the four corners of the earth, tracing leads that kept falling cold. Luckily True Love is still something like GPS.

If the reader has not suffered fatal blood clotting from the sheer stupidity of our naive preteen author, then they are surely having a sappiness attack.

The troubles end when Matt finally finds Mello and then they snog for a bit and say disgusting things about how much they missed each other. Matt tells Mello that he doesn't care that he is disfigured and this means the world to Mello for some odd reason.

Then they probably shag and move into a little apartment in the city where they plot to catch Kira. Mello angsted about whether he might accidentally get Matt killed and Matt angsted about whether Mello loved him enough and what type of chocolate he should buy for his birthday.

Apart from the angst they are a picture of happiness together, meaning that they can hang out and be best buddies by day and then screw each other senseless at night.

Mello probably says some offhand comment that makes poor ickel Matty (because he will be called Matty unfortunately) cry and then they have to "comfort each other" by which I mean have sex.

Mello really enjoyed having Matt for a slave boy but it did seem odd to him that he didn't even care that he had joined the mafia and murdered innocents.

Mello tried to call Near to ask him how he can save Matt from Kira but Near was busy drowning in symbolism over how he and Mello are opposites.

Mello decided to pay Near a visit one day to retrieve the picture he left at the orphanage.

"It has been a long time Mello, I have missed having a rival." Near said in his bizarrely seductive yet emotionless voice.

"Yes, I have not gotten to beat you up nearly enough these past few years, we should hang out sometime." Mello began to notice how adorable and small Near was and how he represented the purity in the world.

Yes, they certainly were opposites. He was hot and Near was cold. He was yes and Near was no.

Katy Perry songs aside, they certainly shared a connection, hint hint nudge nudge.

"Say Mello do you remember that stormy night all those years ago at Wammy's House when I was crying in a rare display of true emotion because the rain brought back memories of my tragic past? Do you remember how you held me close in a protective sort of way? Like a brother, except a little more sexy and less incestuous?" Near asked.

"Why yes I do. Do you remember how you used your gentle calm to make me feel better when I was angsting?" Mello said, blushing at the thought.

"Those were good times, you might almost think we had sexual tension." Near sighed.

"You might easily think that. Except that I love Matt, he's so… whiny and childish!" Said Mello.

"I wish I could feel as strongly as you." Pined Near. "I wish I could have the burning passion of emotion that I see in your eyes!"

At that moment Mello realized that the second best should definitely hook up with the best, not third place. He also realized that opposites attract.

The next thing they knew, Mello was dominating Near's adorable albino ass. The description of their intercourse was so sedated with symbolism and cheesy metaphors that they could barely tell what they were doing.

Unfortunately this was becoming incredibly boring so we shall skip to the night before the fateful day of Mello and Matt's demise.

"Matty, you don't have to do this for me, I want you to be safe and happy." Mello whispered as he lay in bed next to Matt.

"Mells, I'm not happy unless I'm with you, now let's spoon." Said Matt.

"I'm bad for you!" Cried Mello, uncharacteristically bursting into tears.

"I can't live without you!" Wailed Matt and joined his lover by crying pathetically.

"I need you in my life!" Yelled Near bursting suddenly into the room and then joining the sob fest.

"Oh woe is me!" Declared Mello, "whose ass should I tap? Near or Matt? I don't want to hurt either of them!"

"Oh don't worry about that Mel." Said Matt in a rare display of sense. "I've been secretly banging Near for years, it's just that no one cares about that pairing."

"Well." Said Mello, "We are young lovers, planning to die young and leave beautiful corpses, let's all shag before we go!"

They all agreed that more sex was the way to go.

Perhaps the author decided that this was an alternate universe where they all lived or perhaps there was just a symbolic epilogue where they all bang in heaven (because they are going to heaven at this rate for sure, the mafia makes you a good person!).

Back at Wammy's House Roger sighed in despair and tried to shut out the sounds of underage sex floating through the thin dorm walls.

**Author's Note: Hey girl hey! What's going on? Hope you guys had fun with this part, seeing as I find these stories to be rather consistently wretched. Questions? Comments? Smart remarks? **


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: In which the author indulges in pretentious garbage.

An Important Note- As a writer I am sick and tired of seeing countless people being praised for writing these faux artistic train wrecks.

They masquerade as so called "song fics" or "drabbles" and after they get going people showing these works if glory for being "insightful" and "beautiful". Don't be fooled!

These people are usually saying nothing more than the obvious and don't have the guts to try writing something that is truly a story (means beginning, middle and end guys). Even those who epically fail at writing stories, well, at least they're trying.

Song fics are especially guilty. You know who you are. Writing a song fic is basically saying "I am too lazy/too technologically incompetent to make an AMV of this so I wrote it out instead". Guys, they're fun to watch, not so much to read.

Help stop this atrocity! Make fun of it!

*

And now… 15 under 100-word song fic drabbles by yours truly!

1. Song: Banana Phone by Raffi

"Artistic" Topic: Misa loves Light, but, uh oh, does he love her back? (because we weren't aware apparently)

"_I'll call for Pizza, I'll call my cat"_

Misa loved the way his voice sounded on the phone. It made her shudder like the great earth, joy tearing through her! But when she wasn't having quasi-suggestive thoughts about the phone she thought about herself.

He once told her that her hair reminded her of a banana. Misa had never liked bananas!

Cliché ending wisdom that occasionally is relevant to the rest of the story: All races are equal!

"_Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring… Bananaphone!" _

2. Song: I'm On A Boat by The Lonely Island (feat. T-Pain)

"Artistic" Topic: Light is Kira (because that is a shocker! This story is so insightful!)

"_This ain't Sea World, this as real as it gets"_

Light lies awake at night and thinks about the sea. He has only been their once as a child. His fingers are sore from writing in the notebook but the pain is singing in him, making him glow!

Literally, he can't get to sleep, it's too bright.

Light remembers his mother laughing and his father holding her. He remembers the crowds. He remembers that this doesn't have to do with anything.

Vain attempt to tie any of this to the plot: Light has not felt as good since that day at the sea, at least, not until he found the notebook.

"_Never thought I'd be on a boat…" _

3. Song: I Got It From My Mama by Will.

"Artistic" Topic: Sayu is crazy and her family dies (because this is just one amazing discovery after another)

"_Baby, where'd you get your body from?" _

Sayu sat in her wheelchair in front of her father's grave. She felt sad. Gee whiz was she ever sad (because the author doesn't know other ways to express this). Her mother was crying, tears were falling on her hair.

Sayu sat in her wheelchair in front of her brother's grave. This was a bummer. Her mother was screaming so her ears hurt (because this repetitive thing makes it more artsy).

Sayu did not shed a tear.

Supposedly deep shocker ending: Sayu sat in front of her mother's grave. She was crying! DUN DUN DUN!

"_I got it from my mama!" _

4. Song: Because I Got High by Afro Man

"Artistic" Topic: Light dies and has regrets (because who has those?)

"_I was going to clean my room but then I got high." _

Light could feel pain searing in his chest. Damn Matsuda, he thought over and over again, his usually sharp mind stuck on a loop. Ow. The pain. It hurt.

Visions of his family swam in his mind as he ran. He thought of Misa, he thought of the task force, he thought of Ryuk even. But the only one he could bring himself to feel sorry for was himself.

He did not let him think of the people he had killed. Because of, you know, that guilt that he didn't have.

Obligatory pairing: As his eyes closed, he could only cry for L.

"_I don't believe in Hitler that's what I said…" _

5. Song: It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls

"Artistic" Topic: Matt and Mello are in love! (because how did you come up with that? Creativity! Wow! )

"_I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna let myself get, absolutely soakin' wet"_

Matt loved the sharp curve of his neck, the little hollow of his tan collarbone.

Mello loved his long nimble fingers and his wiry forearms.

Several erotic descriptions later they agreed that they were a bohemian pair. Doomed to die young, two boys smoking their cigarettes and praying on their old fashioned rosaries and driving over the speed limit and lying curled in their bed for days not caring what people thought.

Damn they were so cool.

Engineered tearjerker ending: They only wanted to keep the other one safe. But they died. Oh no.

"_It's raining men, hallelujah it's raining men!"_

6. Song: Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

"Artistic" Topic: The inevitable Kira Victory AU (because this is a fresh idea).

"_I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom, deadly!" _

Mikami's heart grows bigger every time he hears his god's voice, see's his beautiful face, smells his old shirts, collects his used gum…

When he talks to his god's people he tries to make them understand this feeling. If they don't he tears through pages, scribbling angry names in angry letters. He cries his mantra again and again. Delete!

When the thrill is over he is a calm servant again.

He has developed a sort of jealousy of L. Although he is dead, he is never forgotten.

Sad attempt at extended metaphor: How can he be in god's shadow when his god is the light?

"_Take heed, cuz I'm a lyrical poet."_

7. Song: Achey Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus

"Artistic" Topic: Rem loves Misa (because unrequited love just seemed to fit the mood).

"_You can tell the world, you never was my girl…" _

Rem lived in a world of black and white and grey. But then there was a girl with a red hat like a beacon.

Her eyes were like sapphires, ruby lips and golden hair (because Misa is still a precious metals kind of chick).

She was the peanut butter to Rem's jelly. The macaroni to her cheese.

So why did she insist of loving some other guy with perfect hair?

I love using similar sentences for the beginning and end because it sounds cool: Rem lives in a world of black and white and grey.

"_Don't tell my heart, my achey breaky heart!" _

8. Song: Wannabe by The Spice Girls

"Artistic" Topic: L is haunting Light! (because why would he do that?)

"_If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends…"_

Light knows that he never left. Sometimes he thinks he's crazy but in his heart he knows. L is still there.

He floats in his dreams. He swims in his morning coffee. He tap dances on his laptop. Okay, maybe Light did imagine that one.

Light hates the feeling he can never quite shake. Someone is looking over his shoulder, someone is laughing in his ear.

Wow you're so clever you watched the show moment: Light can feel that the cuff has never left his wrist and L will be tied to him forever!

"_Make it last forever, friendship never ends!" _

9. Song: I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred

"Artistic" Topic: Unrecognizable Symbolism (because seriously, you can't even tell this is Death Note).

"_I'm too sexy for my cat…"_

Words were written on a blank page.

Hearts were beating and some were not.

The starts were coming out slowly in the dark sky.

People were walking.

People were breathing.

Shit was going down.

Stuff was happening.

Vagueness was taking over the story.

The deepest most symbolic thing EVA: A baby was crying!

"_I'm too sexy for this song!"_

10. Song: Puff (The Magic Dragon) by Peter, Paul & Mary

"Artistic" Topic: The After Life (because these make so much sense)

"_Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea…"_

The fallen angel lay bound and broken on the ground. He was bruised and bleeding, weighed down with an obscene amount of symbolism.

"Do you know why you are here?" Asked the mysterious heavenly voice.

The angel did not speak. A thin dust that was neither sand nor rust blew in the cold wind, making the air gritty and sharp.

He could see the figures surrounding him, their faces obscured by the blinding light.

"I killed them." He said in a low voice.

Wait a second, I have to connect this to Death Note: "Light Yagami, welcome to neither heaven nor hell."

"_And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee." _

11. Song: DRAGOSTEA DIN TEI (Numa Numa) by O-Zone

"Artistic" Topic": Minor character is minor (because we care so much about these people.)

"_Alo, Salut, sunt eu, un haiduc_"

Reiji Namikawa was a very minor character but damn, did he have nice hair. He was a very cold and ruthless businessperson. He did lots of… business-y things.

He was very clever, he had been to Harvard. He had everything he could want but some primal instinct told him to want more. He did not understand why he kept attending the meetings when he could easily make it to the top on his own.

He didn't understand why his hands shook when he thought about the future. But Reiji Namikawa was a very clever man and so he never let it get in his way. After all, that was business.

Author becomes tired of researching minor character on wikipedia and ends story: He didn't understand why he was so afraid of winning.

"_Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei"_

12. Song: Don't Stop Believin' by Journey

"Artistic" Topic: BB is crazy (because that is new to me)

"_Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit…" _

He was born to love death. From the very beginning the boy with red eyes was designed to kill. He wanted to feel murder pumping through his veins.

Sometimes he felt that he wasn't born to be L. He doubted his own ability to carry out the detectives work. He knew he was bright but he also knew he was different.

He knew in the end that he would rather be L's rival than his heir. That was someone else's fate.

I'm trying to freak you out: What he didn't know was how unkind fate would be to him.

"_He took the midnight train goin' anywhere." _

13. Song: Caramelldansen by Caramell

"Artistic" Topic: L dies (because by know it's kind of expected to know about that)

"_O-o-oa-oa, O-o-oa-oa– ao, O-o-oa-oa, O-o-oa-oa – ao"_

He felt like he was breathing lead. There was something on his chest, oh god, please somebody get this off his chest.

If he ignored the air that was pinning him to the ground he could see Light Yagami's face hovering symbolically over his. His eyes were wide but he could see the uncontrollable smile spreading across Light's face.

Oh snap.

L was really bummed about this so he had a symbolism-laden flashback.

What was the purpose of this again: Then the pressure left his chest and he was finally free to float up into the sky.

"_Dansa med oss, Klappa era hander, Gjör som vi gjör , Ta nagrå steg at vanster, Lyssna och lar, Missa inte chansen, Nu ar vi har med Caramelldansen!"_

14. Song: Chocolate Rain b Tay Zonday

"Artistic" Topic: Shinigami hang out symbolically (because there is so much potential in this idea.)

"_Chocolate Rain, Some stay dry and others feel the pain"_

Ryuk sat on top of the building as a bloody sunset dripped the last of it's light onto the city below. It had been fun while it lasted but everything came to an end eventually.

Soon it would be back to the dull grey Shinigami world, full of nothing but death. He supposed he would miss the vibrant life that bled from every wound in this world.

There was always life in death, he mused as his hand traced a familiar name in the notebook. Light Yagami, the last hope for the human race or the potential destroyer.

Or both, Ryuk supposed.

Secretly Ryuk had always supposed that the boy would have made a better Shinigami.

Deep sounding crap you could read anywhere: Every ending did seem to turn out as a beginning.

"_Chocolate Rain, History quickly crashing through your veins" _

15. Song: Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley (oh snap, Rickroll)

"Artistic" Topic: LxLight (because this pairing is rotten! Some has to fix it so why not me? I'll do it! I'LL BECOME THE GOD OF FANFICTION AHAHAHA! … that got out of hand)

"_We're not strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I!"_

They were so similar, yet so different. Light had been groomed for perfection from the start. L had come out of nowhere and nothing.

They ran hard, carrying a torch of ideals towards to finish lines in opposite directions. But naturally their paths would cross, and then one would have to knock out the other before they could continue on their path.

It was to be expected that when they're paths crossed they would learn how different they were. It was not expected for them to fall in love.

This still reminds me of a certain Katy Perry song: They were so different, yet so similar.

"_Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…"_

**Author's Note: Thanks for feeding my ego guys! Still loling? Did you enjoy my use of totally awesome songs? Have any requests for the future? I'm all ears! Review me! **


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: In which everyone is very tragic

All the Death Note characters were in a miz. They were all really down. Everyone was pretty severely bummed about life. Man, where they sad.

Ramming the point of this introduction into your head aside, wouldn't you just love to find out why everyone was so glum? Wouldn't that just make you're day? Don't you just love to read pointless and poorly written garbage about fictional people's problems?

Well if you do you're a complete sadist but that's okay, you've come to the right place. This is the land where we step over the borderline from "tragic past" to "Loaded up with so many problems it's kind of sick". Sounds like fun huh?

Take a glance around the room and you will see our first victim. His name is L Lawliet. Although he possesses legions of adoring fans they all seem to be obsessed with torturing him. Let's take a closer look.

L sat sadly in task force headquarters. He felt his imminent doom hanging over his head as well as the pain of his unrequited love for unnamed love interest/dead love interest. This reminded him of all the tragic things that had happened to him, the things that kept him awake every night for fear of terrible nightmares (because this explanation of L's insomnia isn't complete rubbish at all).

He thought back to his childhood as a poor orphan boy. He thought about that flashback he was going to have later in the series when he died and how it showed how tragic a character he was.

It had all started when the young boy had to watch his family be brutally murdered. They were shot/burned/eaten/poisoned/exploded/forced to watch the Pokémon movies. It was a horrifying memory that would haunt the detective all his life.

After many heart-breaking scenes of carnage Watari brought the young L to Wammy's house. He was very emotionally scarred and had no friends. Then one day Watari brought two new children to the house, A and B.

L immediately fell in love with A/B/random other chick. Unfortunately they died. All of them. Violently. While still carrying his child. Right in front of him. Other wretched stuff.

L then grew up to be the greatest detective in the world but everyday his heart would ache for his long lost love. He came to realize that he was simply too smart to have any other friends/lovers and was cursed to be lonely forever (because Watari doesn't seem to matter to L that much).

Then one day L fell in love again with Light Yagami/Misa Amane/Matsuda/Aizawa/Mr. Yagami/Hideki Ryuga. But they didn't love him back! He couldn't seem to tell them how he felt because he was cursed with smartness and was therefore crazy. Poor L.

He then proceeded to flop hopelessly around and occasionally solve the most difficult cases in the world in the name of Justice. But then he died. In the arms of his best friend/lover/long lost brother/rival/only equal/insurance agent Light Yagami. He was very, very sad.

You are supposed to cry over this display but you may end up tickled pink with the author's shallow understanding of people with actual problems. Expect an absurd authors note stating that the emotions of this piece were inspired by said author's dog dying or failing a maths test.

We now turn our gaze to another gloomy individual. Misa Amane was suddenly not her happy-go-lucky self and was now a dark and brooding young woman.

Her parents had been murdered brutally in front of her eyes (because even though in the series it states that she was out, at least her parents actually did get murdered). This had ruined her life forever and she was now a broken shell of a person.

She had become a model because everyone told her she was pretty and she needed the money. But she hated people only judging her by her appearance. She just wished somebody would understand her, like her for who she was inside! Oh this cruel superficial world was hard on the sensitive soul of Misa Amane.

She sold out to the corporate world without looking back.

Then one day she found her salvation. Kira made Misa feel that the world was fair again (because yet again, if you are tragic/attractive enough your sins are excused).

When she finally met Light Yagami she pledged herself to his will because she was such a devoted and kindhearted person who had a hard life. Unfortunately Light Yagami was an evil crazy who abused her physically and emotionally.

She found herself grow closer to L, only he could understand her tragic loneliness! Then wicked and devious Light forced her to kill him and all hope left her world. She remained a slave to the terrible Light Yagami for the rest of her days until she finally killed herself when he died, half so she could be with him and half just because she was sure another horrible thing would happen to her if she stayed alive.

Thus was the depressing story of Misa Amane. Never mind that she was also a psychopath. Expect a laughable authors note about how this story was inspired by a My Chemical Romance song and how the band saved said author's life.

Moving on, far off in England three young boys were also cheerless. Mello, Matt and Near were just down. After all, they were orphans…

All three of them had naturally watched the brutal murder of their parents. They were kind of okay with this because each set of parents were abusive drunkard jerks. Then of course they all felt guilty and then angsted.

Mello became bitter and angry, lashing out at the world due to his deep inner turmoil!

Matt withdrew indoors and escaped into the world of video games to hide from reality, denying anything was wrong with his casual façade.

Near taught himself not to feel anything at all, becoming cold and emotionless and never letting anyone in.

When these three sob stories were admitted to Wammy's House they filled the days with painful rivalries and broken friendships. Mello finally fell in love with Matt/Near/random other chick. Matt also fell in love with Mello/Near/random other chick.

The cherry on the ice cream sunday was when Near fell in love with Mello/Matt/random other chick/Watari. This put more strain on their relations. Especially after they all banged Linda (because she's kind of a whore).

And then they all fell in love with L.

One completely confusing and tangled love hexagon later they were all very torn. Who did they love?

Naturally when they finally made up their minds everyone rejected one another so they could stop with this mad love business and get back to angsting.

In the end Mello and Matt died alone without ever telling anyone their true feelings and Near was left to live his lonely life. Until he got back together with Linda that is…

So ended the unhappy story of Wammy's House, plenty of sex but lacking in love. Expect a lecturing author's note about being aware of issues like child abuse and getting STDs from shagging Linda.

Meanwhile the rest of the task force was really upset. Not that this was out of the ordinary.

They were all thinking about the tragic brutal murder of their parents that had happened right in front of their eyes (because killers these days want an audience).

Aside from their obligatory back stories of gloom and doom you might think that they acted like normal functional people devoted to a cause. Wrong.

Matsuda was feeling depressed because he couldn't do things right. Aizawa wished he could see his family more. Mogi wished anyone cared about him. Ukita was just kind of bummed about being killed off.

Of course Mr. Yagami was having a mental battle over whether his son really could be Kira, his daughter got kidnapped, and possibly his wife was banging the next-door neighbors. Unfortunately for him he was too old and unappealing for anyone to care about.

To make matters worse for the poor task force, they were all in love with each other. And L, they loved him too. And possibly Misa.

As per usual this love was unrequited so they could only sit and brood with their misery.

After L died they spent 6 years not working and instead decided to angst. Then of course Mr. Yagami died and set them off to record level proportions of said angst. Light being Kira and subsequently dying was the final straw and so they spent the rest of their lives whining about moving on with their lives.

Man were they ever a dark bunch. Expect a dull author's note about how so and so was such a sympathetic character that had been left by the wayside.

Far off in the grey depressing shinigami realm there were some very grey depressing shinigami.

Gelus and Rem were mooning soulfully over Misa, while Ryuk and Sidoh were contemplating the pointless dreariness that was existence. There wasn't really much to do other than pine for things they could not have.

However if this was an AU then, wait for it, they were once humans who had used the death note and died. Of course they missed their humanity desperately but some things about their human existence had been less than pleasant…

You see they had all been forced to watch the brutal murder of their parents and then were sent off to be abused for a bit in foster homes/orphanages. They had fallen in love with unnamed love interest but unfortunately said love interest died/did not love them.

This tragedy had spurred them to use a death note but they had died.

In a predictable ending these poor shinigami either died or had to spend an eternity with their soul crushing loneliness. Expect an unpleasant author's note detailing their brilliant inspiration for this, aka My Chemical Romance song.

Skipping to the past Naomi Misora and Beyond Birthday were generally displeased people. Naomi didn't love her clingy abusive fiancé (because Raye seems like such a jerk) and she of course was emotionally scarred from her tragic past. Beyond Birthday was crazy, a bit miffed about A's suicide, and of course was emotionally scarred from his tragic past.

What was this tragic past you ask? Just guess.

You see both of them had been forced to watch the brutal murder of their parents before being sent off to foster care/an orphanage were they could get their required credit of child abuse. Finally Naomi had been adopted by some good people and Beyond was sent to Wammy's House.

Naomi met Raye and thought she had fallen in love, however, Raye suddenly mutated into 'abusive jerk' leaving Naomi a vulnerable and pathetic slave to his will.

Beyond Birthday probably fell in love with L/A/random other chick but this love as usual was not returned or the person died. To add to his trauma he probably knew they were going to die before they did adding to his pain guilt etc.

Then of course the duo finally meets during the Los Angeles BB Murders case and possibly begins a racy and dangerous relationship but it will suffice to say that they both left the case just as broken-hearted as they had been at the start.

Naomi lived with jerk husband until he died and then she promptly died to. Beyond Birthday lolled around in prison until he finally got offed by the same guy.

So ended another sad saga based very loosely on Death Note. Expect a sappy author's note about evil husbands who beat their wives and how they might be, gasp, bad?

What's that know? I've forgotten the main character? You mean someone actually doesn't think of Light as a shallow malicious bastard? Well I'm shocked.

I'm terribly sorry but no one really wants to write about the tragedy of Light Yagami. Ignore the fact that of all the characters in the series he is the most obviously tragic. They practically slam it in your face.

Alas, nobody wants to write a tragedy that doesn't have dead parents or lost love or child abuse.

But there is hope, yes some people do indeed write about the sad back story of Light Yagami. Summon all your fortitude; some people create an AU.

In this alternate universe so frequently explored Light was forced to watch the brutal murder of his parents. He was then sent off to evil abusive foster care/orphanage before being taken to Wammy's because he was so bright. There he fell in love with L. He really only seems to fall in love with L. That skanky random other chick never makes an appearance for Light.

Now I could continue to type this out for every single character in the series but that would be pointless because as you can see, it is the same for all of them. From Mikami to Takada to Wedy to Higuchi to friggin' Roger the tragic past follows the same formula with minimal variations. Let's recite the steps together:

1. Watched brutal murder of parents

2. Sent away to evil abusive foster care/orphanage

3. Adopted into bearable circumstances.

4. Painful and complicated love affair part one

5. Long angsty period

6. Painful and complicated love affair part two

7. Tragic death/eternity of loneliness

With these simple steps in mind you will never have to waste your valuable time reading tragic Fanfiction again. You already know what happens.

**Author's Note: That was so boring I think my brain threw up. Ugh. You really don't want to know how bad the research for these things can be. Kind of running out of steam on the ideas so keep up the suggestions! Updates will most likely get slower when I get back to school but you can help by recommending topics or even linking me to particularly horrible stories. If you need more lols to fill the void, I recommend anything or anyone I have favorited. **


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: In which BB will not freaking go away

"Hello Lucinda Siren Dusk Shadow Hikari Athena Winter, my what a lovely name."

"Call me Cin bitch!"

Another new student had arrived at Wammy's after watching the brutal murder of her parents. She had long black hair, pale skin, red eyes with lots of eyeliner, and plenty more ridiculously long descriptions. Watari sighed.

"According to this convenient profile you gave me you are 17 years old, the last vampire of your clan, a martial arts expert, have a shinigami who's in love with you, magic eyes that show you a person's name, and the ability to shoot laser beams out of your tush." Watari read carefully.

"That's right old guy! I'm a tough as nails teen who has had to fight all her life! I don't let people into my heart easily so expect plenty of boring chapters where all I do is fight with the other characters!" Snapped Lucinda Siren Dusk Shadow Hikari Athena Winter.

"Okay, go stand with Raven, Linz, Fyre, Selene, and Piper, you're exactly the sort of person Wammy's house needs." Watari directed her over to the cue.

I hate everyone, thought Lucinda Siren Dusk… whatever. She was feeling very sullen and gothic. Why did everyone torment her for being different?

Just because she wore ripped black clothes, used cheap neon hair dye, painted designs in her eyeliner and listened to bands that none of those stupid preps had heard of.

Honestly, they were over there listening to The Beatles or something while she treated her ears to the melodious strains of Good Charlotte. What did they know about good music?

"Hello Lucinda Long name." Came a soft voice from behind her. There was a boy about her age standing there. He had soft black hair and dark red eyes. He was sort of creepy but then again she was sort of creepy.

"Hey. What do you want?" Lucinda, screw this, 'Cin' replied aggressively. The boy looked awed by her strong personality.

"I'm wondering why you don't have a lifespan." He said.

"It's because I have a death note, I also have a shinigami that's gonna kick you ass if you mess with me. Nice name Beyond Birthday." Said Cin toughly.

"Wow! You have the eyes to! This must mean we will share an immediate bond! Let's talk about our tragic pasts tonight, maybe we could discuss your excellent taste in music while we're at it." Said Beyond Birthday with a sexy yet evil smile.

"Well shinigami, it looks like murdering my parents was the right thing to do after all." Said Cin, looking forward to the beginnings of a great time.

That night Cin met all the other important students at Wammy's House.

"Hi, I'm A. I have no decided gender or personality. But life is pain!" Cried a tormented she-male.

"I used to hook up with that." Whispered B is Cin's ear.

"Hi I'm Mello, I sure am angry but man chocolate is good." Said another caricature.

"Wait a second." Said Watari. "This can't be right, why is everyone the same age now? This doesn't make any sense! Why is L still the same age?"

"Shut up old guy." Said Cin and everyone laughed at her funny funny joke.

"Hi I'm Matt. I'm just here to stand next to Mello." Said another cameo.

"Hi I'm Near. Mello doesn't like me. I'm a little kid!" Said Near.

"So where are the others?" Asked Cin. "Doesn't anyone else live at Wammy's?"

"No one else important." Said B, "Well except Linda but she's kind of a whore."

B and Cin then walked back to their rooms together.

"So do you have any fetishes Cin?" Asked B.

"Yeah I like pomegranates." Said Cin with a kinky smile.

"That's… interesting. I have a thing for jam myself." Said B.

"Cool! Can we skip ahead to the torture porn sex romp now that sounds like it was copy pasted out of one of those horrible Joker fanfics only with more jam?" Asked Cin.

"Of course darling, it wouldn't be me without the sex." Replied B before snogging her.

At the end of the jam packed shagging B "accidentally" pulled out a hatchet and shanked Cin.

"Oh darling I'm so sorry! I wish I could control myself better! I love you so much after 10 minutes! I don't want to hurt you!" Cried the agonized B.

"It's okay Beyond, I'm kind of a masochist anyway. I know you don't mean to hurt me; I love you to after 10 minutes! I could never leave you, even if you kidnapped me and murdered everyone I cared about. Well maybe it would be Stockholm's syndrome…" Cin cooed and began to wipe the blood off of her arm.

"You should stay away from me, I'm dangerous!" B howled.

"Crazy basically means a sweet heart!" Declared Cin and snuggled closer as B put a protective arm around her.

"No seriously I just want you to stay away from me, you're kind of annoying." Said Beyond Birthday as he slit Lucinda Siren Dusk Shadow Hikari Athena Winter's throat.

Good riddance, he though to himself as he dumped her body into the river, she was incredibly boring.

Then the Los Angeles BB murders happened (because seriously, that is all the time they get in these stories.)

Beyond Birthday sat in prison. He was covered in burns but they weren't gross, they were the sexy form of burns (because this is a great beauty tip, set yourself on fire kids and you get sexy!). Suddenly his cell door opened and guard led in L.

"Hello B. I've come to give you a lecture about your wicked yet appealing ways. I will also attempt to lace this conversation with sexual tension because rumor has it that you swing both ways." Said L.

"No thanks L, lets skip straight to the part where we bang in this cell in front of all the guards. Did you bring the jam?" B said with a sigh.

As it happened, L had brought the jam and so the commenced with the sex.

"Thank you B. I love hate sex so. It really peps me up when working on a tough case." Said L before leaving; he was needed in another story where he would do the same thing after capturing Light.

Unfortunately for L, hate sex helped Beyond Birthday when he needed to think to. This is how he came to escape from his heavily guarded cell easily without being killed by Kira.

Hmmm, thought B, I'll need a snazzy new look now that I've escaped from prison maybe I should swing by the nearest Hot Topic.

So he went to Hot Topic and the sales people told him he looked totally hot (because this utterly pointless scene is pretty much a necessity to these stories).

So, B wondered, what should I do now that I have broken out of prison? Should I avenge A by attacking L? Should I commit more murders as an assassin? Should I try to become the new L? Eventually B decided that the only sensible thing to do now was to try to hook up with everyone in the story.

First B went back to Wammy's house where he seduced the young innocent Near. After turning him into a bad boy who no longer needed L to protect him B moved on to Matt. After showing Matt how to live a little and show his true feelings B went after Mello. After he and Mello engaged in rough and dirty leather filled shagging for a while B left again.

This time B went to Japan where he sought out Naomi Misora and freed her from the clutches of her evil fiancé by having some hot reunion sex. Then he met an attractive young boy while walking down the street and decided to do him to.

Luckily the boy turned out to be another crazy serial killer by the name of Kira and so they had a great time in a rather kinky torture chamber and grew matching evil mustaches.

A few months later B was getting bored. It seemed that he had banged all the attractive main characters. He supposed that he should go back to Wammy's House now and find some more Sues to screw.

But when B got back to Wammy's House he found that he just didn't have the motivation to entrance the plethora of Mary Sues that resided there. So he did the next best thing; he killed them. It was a horrible, yet slightly provocative (because in the fangirl mindset serial killers are as sexy as they come… causing us to wonder again why Light has so few fangirls).

Finally he could only find one girl left.

"What is your name?" He snarled, preparing his ears for another onslaught of horrible naming.

"Linda." Said the girl coyly, arching her supple back.

"Ah yes, the whore." B mused and rubbed his bloody knife in thought.

"You know you can't just kill people for having long names B." Giggled Linda, batting her eyelashes. "My name is long for protective purposes. It's harder to remember."

"Tell me your name and then I'll decide." Sneered B.

"Linda Ursula Sara Thomas." Said Linda licking her lips and sauntering towards him.

"Yeah, not a Sue. No self respecting Sue would have the name Ursula, all we think of is the sea witch." B shrugged and turned to leave.

"Say B," Linda stopped him. She really wasn't much to look at, though not for lack of trying. "You're really my kind of guy, no morals. What do you say we have some crazy serial killer sex before you go?"

B smiled. Maybe she was his kind of girl to.

**Author's Note: Hai Guys. Check out Linda's initials. I amuse myself too much. Still taking requests! **


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: In which there is squick

Light Yagami was sitting in his room one day when he first saw him (because no one is creative enough to give this story a better set up, they want to get straight to it).

"Who are you?" Light exclaimed, startled. The man who stood across from him looked exactly like him only with red hair and eyes! Who could it be?

"I think you know who I am, Light." Said the other man in his menacing yet sensual voice, "I am Kira."

"But that can't be!" Cried Light being a minimally intelligent boy, "Why would all the evil in me have a physical manifestation?"

"Oh I'm not really you, I am a wicked spirit that entered you the moment you picked up the Death Note. I have been controlling you to make you evil!" Laughed Kira evilly yet sexily.

"So all my bad actions are excused because of you! Score! I love the way that immature people can't handle morally grey characters!" Said Light.

"Don't be happy for too long Light, I have to rape you." Said Kira.

"What?"

"I have to rape you. Weren't you listening?"

Light frowned in thought. Kira smoothed his crimson locks down and gazed around the room for a minute.

"Why do you have to rape me, that doesn't even make sense?" Said Light finally, the amusement gone from his voice.

"Look, all I know is that Kira is supposed to rape Light and make him cry to we can all see that Light was really a good person controlled by pure evil. It's probably all based on that one time the Mr. Yagami says that being Kira is a curse. Never mind the fact that Light tells Ryuk like 5 minutes later that he's happier than he's ever been in his life." Said Kira, exasperated.

"Joy. Finally a story about me and no one even wants to write about my actual character. Well this is just great. I wish I was back in that LxLight story, at least I got to angst." Muttered Light, crossing his arms.

"Well we could make this an LxLight story, all I have to do is whisper evil things to make you feel guilty for killing L even though I was controlling you when you did it. Then maybe we could even have a flashback to your true love with him to make a comparison between that and my personal abusive manner of love." Kira replied.

"I guess I can't do anything to stop you seeing as you're a… spirit… thing." Light said doubtfully.

"Nope, I'm all powerful." Said Kira, preening again with pride.

"Wait, then why do you need me? Why couldn't you just use the death note and kill everyone? Why bother making me do it?" Light said indignantly.

"Uh… you know what Light, you talk too much, can we just shag already?" Kira leapt across the room onto Light.

"Okay Light, here's how this is going to work: I tear off your clothes while saying hurtful things, you whimper and act innocent while telling me that you don't want to hurt anyone, I commence with the raping while you flashback to L, and then I leave you with a chaste romantic kiss that makes you feel more unclean then anything else I do." Kira said brightly.

"Sounds easy enough." Light said.

"Also we have to imply at the end that I regularly do this afterwards and the good in you is vanquished to a far corner and locked away only to reappear when you are killed and I am finally defeated. Then of course you get to go bang L in heaven while I am banished to the black pit from whence I came." Kira continued.

"Well I suppose this is worth it for a happy ending." Light mused.

"Oh and I forgot to mention," Kira said with a dark smile, "I'm going to have to use symbolism."

"What? No! You can't!" Shrieked Light. "Unskilled authors handle symbolism terribly!" But it was too late for Light.

"I will bind you with the same handcuffs L used only now they are rusted! You can never escape me because you cannot escape yourself! You only want to be loved and I only want to love you! You are hot and I am cold! You are yes and I am no!" Kira cackled and with each new atrocity Light flinched and writhed in pain.

"Curse you Katy Perry! Why do all failed attempts at symbolism come back to that song?" Light yelled in agony. Kira moved closer, beginning to unbutton Light's shirt…

Then a heavenly light flooded the room and with a crack the ceiling split open! A voice rang out through the room.

"Stop this madness! You cannot excuse your bad deeds like this! There is evil inside everyone and you can't pass it off as being an evil spirit possessing you! It was always there, it was there when you stole one of his M&Ms because he would never miss it or when you left her to clean up the crayons by herself even though you bumped the box a little too! In the words of Albus Dumbledore it is our choices that make us who we are!"

"Oh no!" Kira was horrified, "The voice of reason!"

"Reason? What's that doing in a Fanfiction?" Asked Light, the forth wall already broken beyond repair.

"I am here because this pairing is really gross. It tops incest, it's selfcest! That's just squicky. It's sort of like a more symbolic version of masturbation only it makes less sense." Said the voice of reason.

"I see the error of my ways!" Sniffled Kira. "Please Light, let us become one again! Then maybe we can go have more crazy serial killer sex with B or something. Anything is better than this!"

"Right! Thank you voice of reason!" Said Light and waved and the roof repaired itself and the bright glow left the room.

"Later guys, I am needed elsewhere, there's always plenty to do here!"

Light/Kira wiped a tear from its eye "I love a happy ending."

**Author's Note: Thanks to reviewers, any thoughts? Special appearance of the voice of reason was cool, might do it again in the future. Still taking requests! **


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: In which there is post series mayhem.

Matsuda awoke with a start after a terrible nightmare involving a flashback to the day he popped a cap in Light's wicked ass. His survivor's guilt was really bad that morning.

Matsuda slowly rolled out of bed and looked around his messy apartment before going to the mirror to get his usual morning description out of the way (because these stories have alarmingly similar set-up beginnings).

Why did he still feel so guilty about Light? It had been months since the Kira case was over! What was wrong with him (because no one else ever felt bad about murdering a kid they'd known for over six years)? How could he solve this difficult problem? Could it be with… True Love? No, no, not that, he didn't need to FIND anything.

Matsuda then realized that he should stop reflecting on this matter, as well as ending his hopeless description of himself, and get to work.

Inevitably Aizawa had been promoted to chief so Matsuda knew his boss well. They didn't have much work to do these days; they mostly just filed stuff and did… police things… (because the author clearly isn't creative/well informed enough to actually know what police officers do during a day).

Matsuda arrived at work slightly late as usual.

"Good morning Matsuda, how have you been? Feeling any survivor's guilt lately? Your eyes look so much older than they used to, like the Kira case destroyed your lovable innocence!" Cried Aizawa upon seeing him.

"Nope! I'm fine!" Said Matsuda cheerfully, not wanting to make people worry about him.

"Well alright then. Here, I have some original characters I'd like you to meet today." Said Aizawa revealing some rather mundane people behind him.

They were rather bland and under-described cop people. Matsuda nearly fell asleep just looking at them.

"This is Hikari, Sakura (because these are the only Japanese names the author can think of off the top of her head), Hayota, Hikaru (because the author has now resorted to googling names), Kakashi, Kiba and Neji (because the author has grown tired of research and has resorted to Naruto names)."

Matsuda wondered if these characters where going to be important later, they certainly had a long enough introduction.

Suddenly the phone rang. Mogi moved to get it and listened for a few moments before gasping in horror.

"What? Murder? We'll be there right away." The surviving taskforce and its group of bumbling OCs quickly shoved themselves into police cars and took off.

"Wow!" Matsuda exclaimed. "It looks like something exciting is finally happening again! What could it be?"

The police car pulled up on a street that looked strangely familiar to Matsuda.

"Hello, I'm a faceless original character." Said the officer who had called them. "It seems that someone has murdered a named character."

"What? No! Who?" Aizawa gasped (because being a police man he wasn't used to seeing murders).

"Sachiko Yagami. But that's not the most disturbing part, you should see the body."

Matsuda's head was spinning, people dying? When did that ever happen? He walked into the house, following the bland OC. Sachiko Yagami was lying in a pool of blood, her eyes open, and the words 'lulz Kira is da coolest' carved into her stomach. Matsuda felt his stomach roll.

"What a horrible coincidence! Right after the Kira case another crazy serial killer pops up!" Matsuda cried in despair "It's just one after another here, they never stop! How many bets that this guy also has a Death Note and a vendetta against all main characters? Curse you Kira!"

"Kira? Kira who?" Aizawa looked confused.

"Oh right, I guess no one really cares about the Kira case anymore. Even though he had thousands of devoted followers and entire countries supporting him people just sort of forgot about the whole thing and went back to their normal lives like nothing had happened (because this is realistic). Silly me!" Matsuda laughed.

He and Aizawa went outside leaving the OCs to clean up the mess. Matsuda saw a lovely young woman standing in the crowd looking lost.

Sayu, Matsuda realized (because he had apparently cut off all contact with the family until someone started chopping them up). I hope this isn't awkward because we never told her that Light was Kira, Matsuda thought as he approached her.

"Hello Sayu. It's me, Matsuda. Sorry about your mom getting slaughtered, your life really sucks." Matsuda said.

"Yeah, it's a downer. But not as bad as that time that I want comatose after being kidnapped, or my dad dying… or my brother." Sighed Sayu in a lovely yet morose way.

"Say Sayu, ever wonder if we share a special bond even though I am disturbingly older than you? I feel this connection with other depressed people, like I want to put my life back together with them." Matsuda pondered.

"Can we kill it with the not-so-subtle foreshadowing and just skip to the part where we hook up?" Pleaded Sayu.

"No! I have to screw one of the bland OCs for a while first!" Matsuda declared and then left Sayu to continue her glum wandering.

"Matsuda, we've found a needlessly complex and detailed set of clues left by the killer that will lead us to the next victim! It's a daring race against time, lives are on the line!" Mogi exclaimed waving a plot device in the air.

"Awesome! Lets get Near to do all the work for us!" Matsuda cheered.

Meanwhile Near was sighing romantically and wishing that Matt and Mello were still alive so he would have someone to shag. How sad it was to be a little orphan boy with no love interest.

The SPK were still with him and at that moment Halle Lidner entered with a message.

"A new Kira has left this message sir, we need you to decipher it. It's a very complex code that will lead us to the next victim."

Near took the paper and read the words printed on it.

'Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I'm gonna murder a model,

And that is a clue!'

What a difficult and ingenious code, Near thought!

But then it was too late. Oh well.

"Misa Amane was murdered? No! She was one of the main characters, we can't let this get worse!" Mogi yelled into the phone.

No, Misa, it couldn't be, though Matsuda, she was so… perky. But then again he supposed it didn't matter too much because Light was dead so she had nothing to live for (because this is one theory as to why Misa always ends up murdered in these things).

Just then the phone rang again.

"Hello. My name is F. I am another member of Wammy's House because we ran out of named characters. The reason I remained unheard of until now is not entirely clear but nevertheless I have decided to solve this case. Near is obviously incapable." Said a distorted voice.

"Wow! Another genius detective! They appear almost as fast as the crazy serial killers do, which is a lucky thing mind you." Aizawa exclaimed.

"Lets go solve a thrilling mystery!" Matsuda cheered.

Near sat at his headquarters brooding. How dare this F appear and steal this case from him! He was just an OC, what could he know? Near was furious.

"Ef, that effing F!"

Unfortunately the rest of the SPK were brutally murdered that night. On the bright side this meant that Near still got to participate in the story.

So more main characters were killed, more clues were left, and the story proceeded in relative calm. The bland OCs were each suspected in turn but finally Matsuda found he had a different theory.

"I think F is the murderer." He told Near secretly one night.

"You could be right, I never heard of him at Wammy's. All the other named kids are dead, well, except Linda but she's kind of a whore." Near mused.

So Matsuda confronted F with his accusation.

"It was F, in the library, with the lead pipe!"

"What? No, it wasn't me! It must have been the random OC we haven't suspected yet!" F replied fiercely.

"You mean the one I was dating?" Matsuda gasped.

"Yes, and speaking of people you were dating I've figured out who the next victim will be." F said stiffly over the phone, managing to convey offence through a voice changer.

"Oh who could it be?" The ever gullible and unsuspecting Matsuda wondered.

"'Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Main character's sister,

Soon will be through.'

It's Sayu Yagami."

"No!" And Matsuda was off in a flash, leaping into a police car and speeding off to find Sayu. She wasn't at the house; the killer must have gotten her.

I think you all know how he found her. Say it with me: true love is sort of like GPS these days.

"Sayu I love you passionately! Let us begin the healing process together after I rescue you from this vile copy-cat criminal!" Matsuda exclaimed as he swung dramatically through the window into the villain's lair of evil. He looked heroic, daring, handsome, dashing, epic, etc.

And who was it twirling the mustache of evil this time?

"Who are you?" Cried Matsuda as he tore the mask off of the killers face. The young girl smiled at him.

"Hello handsome, you can call me Linda."

And so Matsuda and Linda engaged in a half-hearted fight scene while Sayu screamed and continued her role as distressed damsel. Finally Aizawa figured out what was going on and lead the rest of the main characters into the lair, defeating at last the whore that was Linda.

Near and F joined forces, Sayu married Matsuda, Aizawa quit the force to spend time with his family and all the other characters were dead. Matsuda and Aizawa sat on the beach at sunset together, relaxing before the inevitable next crazy serial killer.

"You know Aizawa, my survivors guilt is miraculously gone now! Not sure why…" Matsuda realized, smiling.

"That's great news! I'm so glad we solved all the problems even though loads of people died." Aizawa sighed.

"Yeah, I kind of wish L had been here though, then it might have been actually interesting." Said Matsuda, his contentment fading.

"L? Who is L?"

**Author's Note: Not one of the most fun ones to parody but it had to be done. There are getting to be too many of these rather stale fics. Oh and now that Linda is dead maybe she won't pop up so much... stupid recurring jokes. Are YOU guilty of writing any of these? If so, do you regret it? **


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: In which there is a short poem about rubbish.

Here is a tedious opening,

Ignorance of grammar starts to sting,

Preteen humor at its worst,

Which reviewer will be first?

I've kidnapped the characters,

Come and watch our adventures,

Author with an Asian name,

Yet all the questions are the same…

Hello Matt, I'd like to know

Why you're so minor in the show?

And do you have a tragic past?

And do you always drive so fast?

Why do you wear those funny clothes?

Are you and Near friends or foes?

What did you eat for breakfast today?

Oh and also, are you gay?

Hello Mello, hey that rhymed!

Is your gun currently primed?

Gee you're scary, but you're hot.

Who was the first person you shot?

Tell me about your chocolate obsession.

It's so hard to think of a question!

Are you going to make Near pay?

Oh and also, are you gay?

Hello task force, how are you?

Will Matsuda ever get a clue?

How did you feel when Ukita died?

When was the last time you cried?

Does L annoy you? Did you like him?

Does your future look that grim?

Did you think that Light would betray?

Oh and also, are you gay?

Hello B, crazy kid.

Are you ashamed of what you did?

And that jam thing, what the hell?

Why do you always try to beat L?

Tell me a story of your childhood.

I'm guessing that you're just misunderstood.

Something else dumb and cliché.

Oh and also, are you gay?

Hey L hey, you're the best!

When you died I got depressed!

May I please have a hug?

Have you ever tried the drugs?

Here's some candy, it's from me!

Kira's evil, don't you agree?

How did you find Kira from Raye?

Oh and also, are you gay?

Hello Light, wow you're lame.

Do you think that life's a game?

You're really crazy with those chips,

Do you have any hair tips?

Most of this is just a lecture,

You're a loser who'll get captured.

Don't you wonder what people will say,

When they know god's name is 'I'm a gay'.

Here's a tedious closing bit,

Hope that maybe you'll submit,

More questions that I'll make,

Boring answers sound so fake.

This was really in the grey,

There's no more, you will pray.

People continue to your dismay,

Only to ask, are you gay?

**Author's Note: I wrote this one day when I was bored. Special thank you to Rhyme Zone. Still having fun? **


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: In which anatomy fails and sanity does too for good measure.

Once upon a time at Wammy's House Near sat in his room feeling like he would never really get any characterization in this story anyways because he has been reduced to a sex object.

He certainly was innocent and pure, not to mention he had a fine albino ass. Near was pretty much asking to be raped.

Now as it happened, Beyond Birthday was creeping around Wammy's House despite the fact that he had left years ago (because Wammy's House is a zone where time is relative and mostly a matter of opinion). He was a very evil yet sexy man so he decided that raping a student would be a lot of fun.

But who to rape? Who was just innocent enough to be disturbing yet hot enough to be his mate? It had to be Near, that kid was asking for it.

So BB raped Near graphically for all to see. And that was pretty much it. Nothing else really happened. Readers may wonder why they just read a story where all that happened was two fictional people having sex accompanied by occasional dialog about how awful Near felt about the whole thing.

Wasn't that fun?

No is the answer. In fact, it could be anyone banging; you could actually just change the names and repost the same story for any fandom in the world.

We shall stop watching this train wreck and turn our gaze far away to task force headquarters. Our old friends L and Light were sitting together in "generic task force headquarters room" again whilst the ever-charming Misa squealed annoyingly.

Something was different however. Time being a complete matter of opinion here Light still remembered being Kira and he was a very wicked man. The scent of overpowering evilness radiated off of him as he gazed hungrily at L.

Light desired nothing more than to shag L one day. Forget taking over the world or eliminating crime; his prime objective had shifted to the acquisition of L's ass. But how could he do it? He could try to make L fall in love with him but that would be no fun. It just wasn't sex to Light Yagami if the person was willing.

So that night as L was brushing his teeth Light crept up behind him and began to strangle him with the handcuffs (because time is still incredibly relative).

"Ha ha L! I am now going to force you to have sex with me for no reason! Please be sure to describe how hot I am the whole time as though you might actually want me! But don't forget to mention how much you hate the horror that is me. Make sure to use explicate terms that make the way we boink sound incredibly unappealing!" Light said cheerfully as he removed L's bagging jeans to reveal the slender, vulnerable, pale, untouched, etc (because your brain hasn't committed suicide yet) legs.

"Oh damn, not again!" L said in exasperation. Why did he always end up getting raped? It just wasn't fair.

"Let me abuse you a little bit first though and maybe we can have a provocative bondage scene." Light purred his golden/amber/cinnamon/chocolate eyes flashing (because writers are incapable of saying brown and can only describe Light in terms of rocks and food).

"Okay then, I shall begin my internal monologue about how much I hate you while you slap me around a bit." L sighed and prepared himself.

Meanwhile back at Wammy's House Mello and Matt were screwing in their dorm room again (because time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so).

"Faster, harder, deeper." Panted Mello, spouting the few clichés the naive author has heard (because lets face the facts, how many smut writers have actually done this?).

"Wow, this is so incredibly passionate." Muttered Matt in a monotone.

"I love you Matty." Whispered Mello as they fell asleep in each other's arms. Nothing bad could ever come from this relationship… OR COULD IT?

Switching back to the dynamic duo at task force headquarters, L for some reason had not arrested Light or told anyone about the incident. This will never be explained so don't bother thinking about it.

But something was amiss! L woke up one morning and felt so sick he couldn't even eat his morning strawberry (because they haven't gone away yet) without throwing up. He also noticed that his non-existent breasts seemed to be larger and his mood changed spastically. Oh what could be wrong? What could this shocking secret be, I'm absolutely MISTIFIED!

L couldn't be, could he? That was impossible, completely preposterous actually. L didn't have the junk down there. Nobody would write something that stupid, that's just laughable!

"Light, I have to tell you something." L proclaimed dramatically one evening…

Meanwhile at Wammy's House Mello was also noticing some mind-blowingly obvious signs of stupidity. So one night when Matt was out Mello decided he should clear this nonsense up.

When Matt came home that evening Mello's face was pale and strained and he looked like he'd been crying. But what, thought Matt in shock, why on earth would Mello be crying, he's such a man (because the one carrying the baby must go through the cliché ritual of unplanned pregnancy problems which all readers know will be inevitably pointless).

"Matt I have to tell you something." Mello sniffled nervously…

Then together at two different sides of the globe the men sobbed passionately over a fact that even first graders know deifies the laws of nature.

"I'm pregnant!"

"What the hell? You're a man L! That doesn't even make sense!" Light snarled in annoyance.

"Should we keep it? Don't you love me baby? I want this child with you, our very own!" L mewled sickeningly.

"Have you gone insane? Aren't you supposed to be smart? I raped you! You don't love me, you hate my guts! Why would I love you?" Light shrieked, throwing his hands up into the air.

L began to wail. Light flushed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I thought I hated you but it was just a cover for my true feelings! Thank you for showing me how to love you." L sniffled and drew closer to Light, rubbing his hands over his stomach.

"So what you're trying to say is… it's not rape if you enjoy it? Oh lord, we're really in the deep-end now." Light said in a defeated voice. "But you aren't pregnant okay? That's just complete lunacy."

"But I am! I didn't tell you but I actually have a uterus do to a freak accident!" L said in a rather chipper tone, perking up immediately.

"Okay… but even if you did have a uterus you still couldn't get pregnant. It's basic anatomy L. You don't have any ovaries or Fallopian tubes!" Light said matter-of-factly.

"Shut up Light, you don't understand! Just be supportive and pay the damn child-support!" L reverted to a threatening monotone and then shuffled away.

"Hormones." Light muttered, deciding the he should give his sanity a well-deserved break.

Back with Mello and Matt things were progressing. After some sugary scenes where they snuggled and promised that true love would prevail in the face of teenaged pregnancy they were still ignoring the main problem.

For some reason being young seemed like more of a problem than the fact that MEN CANNOT PHYSICALLY GET PREGNANT! In case you missed that.

Then of course the middle happens but it is far too boring to be described. Let it suffice to say that all pregnancy clichés will be used and Mello and L will have a chance to show their vulnerable side while the semi-true love of Matt and Light is put to the test.

Let us skip to the end.

L and Mello have gone into labor! Emotions are running high! How will this exciting climax resolve itself? Where on earth will L and Mello squeeze that thing out from?

"L, I love you! I'll never leave your side!" Light whispered in L's ear as he held his hand. Becoming a parent was a new and frightening thing for both of them, how adorable!

"Light, I'm glad you stopped being Kira for me, and for our baby." L sighed peacefully (because when men have children apparently it is a relatively painless and restful event).

"Holy crap. I'm face palming. You knew I was Kira the whole time and you didn't do anything? What is freakin' wrong with you?" Light snapped, unable to take more nonsense.

"There is a logical explanation I swear!" L cried.

"Oh yeah like the last 5 things you 'explained' to me" Light rolled his eyes.

Mello and Matt were also sitting nervously in the hospital, which was strangely excepting of the fact that they were 2 dudes.

"Hello boys, I'm a doctor, I'm very smart so listen. According to the laws of imaginary medicine it seems that your baby may die unless we perform a risky operation. Are you prepared to go through some mild trauma? Or should I just off the little bastard for you now?" Said a doctor.

"Oh Mello, you can't! I couldn't live without you!" Matt sobbed. But Mello was determined, or possibly just suicidal at this point.

"Do it."

What will happen? I'm holding my breath with anticipation. Wait for it…

The babies are born and everyone is fine and happy and they name the child something ridiculous and then it grows up emotionally scarred because of it's parents.

Wow, I defiantly saw that coming. How… well I can't say disappointing. How predictable.

We could discuss the general horror of the concept of these fics all day. The part that really stands out as sad, however, is the painfully obvious purpose of them.

The entire premise of these stories is taking a male character that the author likes and then making them vulnerable and cute. They are written for the purpose of intentionally harming a character to make them more appealing.

People are aware of the stress and fear that brining a child into the world contains so they include this to develop their story, not really caring that much if it makes sense or not.

People are aware of the pain and trauma rape causes so they include it in their story to give characters more emotional conflict. And because it's sexy. I think everyone can agree that this is a little sick.

Bottom line: plot devices have to make sense people. Now don't whine but sometimes you have to use, gasp, creativity! That's right folks, if you can't figure out how to move your plot along you may be forced to… think about it!

"Excuse me, there seems to be a small problem here." Near said, peeking out of his room. "Everyone seems to have forgotten to give an end to my story! What do I do after I get raped? How does this story unfold?"

Sadly for Near, there is no end. That was literally all it was. In Beyond Birthday's book, it's not rape if you yell "surprise"!

**Author's Note: IMPORTANT NOTICE- Okay guys, I've had some requests for this so here it is. I've had a lot of fun with this but I think I've just about covered all the main topics. I'm writing you a grand finale which is going to be so awesome you're all going to fall out of your chairs. It's in regular narrative style unlike these and I don't give the 4th wall it's usual beating. This doesn't mean I'm done forever and always: if something new and horrible starts to emerge as a trend rest assured I will be there. Suggestions? Concerns? I have almost 100 reviews! WIN! **


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: In which the powers of darkness "fall" into the story

A candle was lit in a darkened room. It cast a pale glow on the three figures that surrounded it, so dim that their visages where merely sketches.

The room was cold and damp. The smell of roses and summer was strong but it could not mask the sickly smell of death that radiated from the figures around the candle.

"Why have you called us here?" A voice asked, nasal and cold.

"Yeah, what do you want?" Said another voice, this one thick and sticky.

"I need your help. I'm sure you will find my plan beneficial to all of us however." A third voice said slowly, more chilling than the other two combined.

"How so?" Questioned the first voice in a whiney drawl.

"You remember being a main character, entrancing the boys, changing the plot. But then they cast you out, destroyed you, said you were inferior. Don't you want it back?" The third voice whispered menacingly.

"I dunno." Mumbled the second voice, sniffling a little. "I'm not sure I wanna go back. It hurt last time." The second voice gave a little whimper. There was the sound of a smack in the dark.

"Idiot. That's because you got killed. Don't be stupid." The first voice snarled.

"Raven, Lucinda, be calm." The third voice addressed them smoothly.

Raven Phoenix Jade Cooper Brooklyn Mickenzie drew closer to the candle, putting her face fully into the light. She had a thin pinched face with beady little eyes like a rodent or a pig. Lank black hair hung down to her shoulders.

"What is this plan then?" She sneered.

Lucinda Siren Dusk Shadow Hikari Athena Winter shoved Raven out of the way casting the glow onto her own face. She had wide blank eyes circled with runny black eyeliner. He black hair was matted and framed her rather pit bull-like face. There was a red line carved in the flesh around her neck.

"Will I get killed again?" She complained.

"Don't worry my dears, my plan is flawless. This time no one will get killed." The third voice soothed them.

"How can we be so sure? We haven't forgotten what happened to you Yumi!" Raven retorted, crossing her arms.

At long last Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji brought her face into the light. It was beautiful yet hollow. Madness was burning in her eyes that still shone with that indefinite color.

"Raven, Lucinda, please listen." Yumi cooed to them, her face hard.

"Call me Cin, bitch!" Interrupted Lucinda instinctively.

"All right, Cin. I have a way that we can get back into the story. It's a little risky but I know we can pull it off. We'll just have to be careful." Yumi bent closer to them and Raven and Cin drew forward in anticipation.

"But won't they recognize us?" Raven asked.

"Smart girl. Luckily if we switch who we're paired with they won't recognize us. I can take Mello and-" But Cin and Raven cut her off in unison.

"No!"

"Mello can only be paired with a goth girl." Raven explained. Yumi rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Fine then. Cin can take Mello, Matt, and Near. Raven you get L, I'll take BB." Yumi continued.

The girls muttered amongst themselves for a few moments, examining their nails by candle-light and contemplating their pairings.

"Ok, then send us back into the story." Cin finally said.

"Alright it's time. What we're going to do is become 'normal earth girls who accidentally fall into Death Note'. It is time for the shameless author inserts to begin." Yumi's eyes seemed to glow in the darkness for a moment before they faded and all that was left in the room was a flickering candle.

*

"Check." Light said in defiance. L gazed at the board for a long moment while the impatient Light nearly quivered with anticipation. Finally L placed his hand on the king and shifted him one space to the left. Light's breath caught. L frowned for a second and then moved the king back and continued his contemplation of the board.

Light sighed in defeat and leaned back in his chair, knowing it could be hour before L made his next move.

There had been little to do at task force headquarters lately. Of course, there was that little episode where a second Kira had showed up but without the presence of the usual plethora of OCs things were almost peaceful.

Light and L had spent the afternoon composing the reply they were going to send to Kira but had been drawn into playing a game of chess.

At that moment the doorbell rang.

L immediately sprang to his feet, startling Light a bit.

"Aren't you just going to let Watari get it? It's probably not good for you to show your face to anyone who knocks." Light raised his eyebrows.

"No." L said dreamily, his voice dull and detached. "I must see who it is." He nearly floated to the door and flung it wide open.

"Um, hello? Where am I? One moment I was sitting in my room watching Death Note while pointlessly describing my life and now I'm randomly standing in this hallway. Hang on a second, L! Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!" A voice squeaked from the hallway and a figure tackled L, launching herself into the hotel room.

"L! How did you-?" Light stood up, alarmed. This wasn't part of his plan at all! Could this girl be the second Kira? What was she here for? And most importantly, how did she know that this was L?

"Wow, you're so kawaii in real life! I'm so excited! I'm totally gonna save your life from stupid baka Light." The girl who was straddling L chirped. Light could take no more.

"How do you know me? What are you even doing here? And why are you butchering my language? L, we should take her into custody until we find out how she knows." Light was furious, looking to L for support.

"Light, don't be mean and grumpy." L said in that horrible sweet dreamy voice. Light recoiled. Since when did L use the word grumpy? "She's just an innocent girl who seems to have fallen into our world. She obviously has valuable information about the case. If I can believe in Kira then I can believe that she's from another world."

"Yeah, take that." The girl stuck out her tongue. She had long black hair and dark blue eyes. She was wearing all black. Yet there was something distinctly off about her.

Light could think of a hundred arguments against this but as he observed the way L stared so transfixed by the intruder he realized that his efforts would be futile. Ever since he had picked up the damn notebook it had been one complication after another.

"My name is Raven by the way! Can I help you guys catch Kira? I know the whole plot! Please?" The girl giggled then leapt to her feet. "Do you guys have any strawberries?"

"Oh yes." Replied the flushed L, getting off the floor as well.

"Goody! But can you hang on a sec? I have to go have a semi-relevant scene with Light." Raven pulled Light rather firmly into another room, leaving L standing looking lost in the middle of the empty room.

"So how's being Kira going?" Raven said slyly.

"Not as well now that you've decided to show up." Light grumbled, refusing to look Raven directly in the eye.

"No Light, you're supposed to be horrified, threaten to kill me, and then ask if I wanna join you! Honestly, I was going to say that I wouldn't tell L but I wouldn't let you kill him." Raven put her hands on her hips.

"Wait, hold on. You aren't going to turn me in? Why? Do you want me to keep killing people or something?" Light was momentarily thrown.

"I don't care who dies as long as they aren't hot. But if the Kira case was resolved there would be no plot and no time for me to fall in love with L. So why don't you just sit tight here Light?" Raven winked at him and then skipped out of the room.

Light stood at a loss for words. What the hell had just happened?

He took a deep breath. Kira would have to go on hold for a bit while he sorted this out. It was his responsibility to humanity, even if it meant uniting with his enemy.

*

Meanwhile at Wammy's House Roger was sitting comfortably in his office. It had been a hard couple of months at Wammy's but most the OCs seemed to have cleared out and peace was restored. Roger was drinking a fresh cup of tea and leafing lazily through a book on beetles.

Then he heard the scream.

Roger jumped a little in his seat and then hurried out of the office to see what on earth the trouble could be. He found the source, as usual, came from Mello and Matt's room.

Roger knocked on the door, having learned long ago to always knock before walking into a student room. There was no telling what kids these days would get up to.

Mello tore the door open a moment later. Roger peered around the boy, noticing the cause of the commotion was lying in the middle of the room.

There was a rather large gothy girl sprawled in the middle of the room in what she seemed to think was an adorable yet provocative pose.

"Um, hello? Where am I? One moment I was sitting in my room watching Death Note while pointlessly describing my life and now I'm randomly lying in this room! Hang on a sec, Wammy's! Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!" The girl shrieked and yanked the unsuspecting Mello and Matt into a hug.

"What's going on?" A soft voice murmured and Near poked his head around the door.

"Near too! This is so awesome! Now I can prevent you guys from dying and I can cuddle Near!" The invader leapt to her feet and swept Near into her arms. Roger prepared himself for the inevitable screaming yet none came. Near seemed content in her arms and Mello and Matt were lying obediently at her feet, their faces blank.

"Are you boys alright? Who is this girl?" Roger was confused but he was sure that this couldn't be right. There was something familiar about the girl, and what was that around her neck?

"My name is Lucinda Siren Dusk Shadow Hikari Athena Winter, but call me Cin! I'm from another world but I seem to have fallen into yours and since I already know the whole plot I'm going to screw it up! Can I stay her? K thanks." Cin slammed the door in Roger's face, much to his dismay.

"Near? Matt? Mello? Are you boys alright? For heavens sake, what has gotten into you? She looks like she walked straight out of 'Rocky Horror'!" There was no response to Roger but the gentle giggling that now floated out of the room.

Roger was not usually a man of strong emotion or strong resolve but at that moment he was both. It would not do to have his students caught up in the silly games that this suspicious 'Cin' was playing.

He would find out what she was up to and why she looked so familiar to him. Roger was the only one who could.

*

On the other side of the world from all this action, in sunny Los Angeles, Beyond Birthday had just broken out of prison, which apparently was a surprisingly easy thing to do. He seemed to do it on a weekly basis.

He set off to find some clothes to wear and some main characters to shag, whistling pleasantly to himself. Ever since he had murdered all the Sues at Wammy's House life had been infinitely more pleasant.

Now where to find clothes? Hot Topic seemed like the obvious choice so he headed towards the nearest mall.

Then the girl materialized in front of him.

He wouldn't have believed it but he had seen it with his own shinigami eyes. One minute there was nothing but pavement, the nest moment there was a girl.

"Um, hello? Where am I? One moment I was sitting in my room watching Death Note while pointlessly describing my life and now I'm randomly standing on the street! Hang on a second, B! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" The girl screamed and threw her arms around him.

The moment she opened her mouth Beyond Birthday felt a strange numbness in his brain, a dulling of his senses. He could only see her and painfully describe her physical attributes. What was wrong with him?

Luckily BB had a mind like no other and some small piece of his consciousness continued to struggle against the intoxicating forces of the girl whose name seemed to be Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji.

"I'm from another world! I'm going to make sure you don't die because I already know the plot! But first let's fall in love, want some jam?" Yumi was babbling. Her voice was so soothing and he instantly believed everything she told him.

He shook himself a little, trying to snap himself out of whatever power had taken over him. Could this really be love? He had heard of people feeling like this when in love.

Something in BB's instincts was still screaming that this was wrong. This was not love, it was something far more sinister.

At that moment Beyond Birthday vowed that he would not give in to this Yumi and he would fight her to the end. No one would control him like this, he would die first. Or they would…

*

Light Yagami was sure he was going insane. He had suspected as much of himself sometimes when he simply couldn't contain the laughter bubbling in his throat when he used the notebook. Now he was absolutely certain.

The entire task force had been roped into a game of 'truth-or-dare' that Raven had proposed. Light had, of course, declined and had gone back to sorting through records of recently killed criminals. About 5 minutes into the game Raven had picked truth and ended up having to spill a tragic past.

Light rubbed his forehead, trying to shut out Matsuda's heaving sobs of sympathy as Raven recounted the death of her mother. It was just insane, they had all completely forgotten the case yet this Raven had him by the neck and he couldn't do anything.

"And then I was sucked into my favorite anime and now my life is perfect! I finally feel excepted! The real world sucks!" Raven was saying.

"Yeah…" L murmured dreamily.

Light got up and left the room. He wasn't entirely sure where he was going but he knew that 5 more seconds in that hotel room where going to result in him crushing someone's skull.

What could he do? This Raven was ruining everything! Where had she come from?

But that was it, of course. He needed to find her origins and hopefully send her back. Then again, where did he even start with something like that? Light mentally scolded himself; he was a first rate detective, not to mention master criminal and future god.

He should fly to Wammy's House. He had seen Watari with a ticket for a plane to Winchester, England.

Watari had cleared out the day after Raven arrived, claiming he was no longer important and was needed back at his orphanage. The old man had looked defeated and, no longer caring about secrecy or any of the other things he had held sacred, had explained the whole thing to Light.

There was nothing stopping him from leaving that very minute. His father was still in the hotel under Raven's spell. Light had convinced him to hand over his credit card a few days before so he could buy something other than strawberries to eat.

His own mother and sister would probably never miss him, they had been suspended in a sort of comatose daze for the past few days. In fact it was like the entire world had shut down lately.

Light walked down the empty streets, nervous energy bubbling in his stomach. The pristine slowness of everyone else was beginning to unnerve him. He was certain that this unusual calm was not the good work of Kira.

His mind was made. He had to follow Watari. He was getting on that plane.

*

It was a pity, Roger thought, that Watari hadn't arrived back at Wammy's yet. Holding down the fort had been difficult with this Cin girl wreaking havoc on the ordered life of Wammy's House. Just that morning he had been called to break up a fight between 2 boys who where arguing over who Cin liked more.

It was getting ridiculous.

The boy's grades were plummeting, it was like they no longer cared about their work and only wanted to play silly games with Cin all day. Yesterday she had even convinced Near to play 'Spin the Bottle' with her.

This was why Roger found himself crouched on the concrete floor of the basement of Wammy's House, squinting in the dim light at some old records. He was positive that he was far too old for this but what else could he do?

There was no student named Cin in the Wammy's House records but her paperwork could easily have been lost in the Great Sue Panic. He had gone to the basement to look for mention of her but the 'C' section had proved useless.

Roger moaned. Of course she wasn't a 'C', Cin had been her nickname, her real name was far too long. Lucinda, that was where he should be looking. His old knees creaked as he struggled to his feet and hobbled over to another file cabinet.

Lucinda Siren Dusk Shadow Hikari Athena Winter, there she was. Roger had thought that she looked familiar. Then his eyes widened as he skimmed her information.

'Deceased'.

Roger felt a cold sweat break out all over him and his throat went dry. He was sure now, something was very wrong.

Roger stumbled back up the narrow stairs into the brightly lit halls of Wammy's House. There was no sign of any of the students, except for Linda who was leaning against a wall smoking and preening into a mirror. But then again, she was kind of a whore.

He walked back to his office in a sort of trance, clutching the folder in one shaking hand. But of course the door buzzed at that moment.

Roger gave a sigh of relief, it must be Watari finally arriving. He was forced to clamber down one more flight of stairs, moaning and grumbling the whole way. When he finally flung the door open he was fully prepared to give Watari a piece of his mind.

Unfortunately for Roger it was not Watari at the door. Instead there was a teenaged boy with a rather pretty face and shiny bronze hair. Roger for a moment could think of nothing to say.

The boy looked confused as well.

"Excuse me, my name is Light Yagami, I'm here looking for Watari."

"Well you and me both." Grumbled Roger. "I suppose you'd better come in and tell me why you've come."

*

BB couldn't take much more of this. Every second it was something new, another humiliation, another task. Yumi was eating him alive.

He had tried to resist, tried to disobey her entrancing stare, but it was to no avail. She had him pinned against a wall. But he did have a plan, naturally, he was a Wammy boy after all.

If he couldn't get rid of Yumi on his own he would have to find help. Where did one go to shake a person like Yumi? Who had the most knowledge of this sort of predicament? The obvious choice was going back to Wammy's House.

Of course, Yumi would not allow him to just go where he wanted to. If he tried somehow she would rope him back.

"Beyond, we should go to the movies! Let's go shopping! Can we play Twister?"

BB was really getting sick of preteen slumber party games.

His break through had come a few days previously. If he implied that he did it to show his undying love, she would let him. Her arrogance caused her to wrongly assume that he really had fallen in love with her, after all how could he not fall in love with a woman so beautiful and perfect?

So BB played his part as a dumb slave, bringing her flowers when she didn't ask and agreeing cheerfully to whatever task she set for him. Yet he made demands of his own as well.

"So Yumi, you say that you were sucked through the trippy spinny vortex of being sucked into another world? Shouldn't we try to find out why? We could find out how to get you back home, but I'd come with you of course."

He dropped his hints subtly, patient as the lying snake he was. Watching and waiting for the day when they would finally go right were he wanted to go. He was going to get to Wammy's House. That was certain.

What he was going to do when he got there still remained a mystery.

*

"Raven? You mean Raven Phoenix Jade Cooper Brooklyn Mickenzie? She's the one who has L? My goodness, this is terrible news!" Roger exclaimed and buried his head in his hands.

Light sighed and waited for the elderly man to explain himself. So far he had been babbling mostly nonsense. Something about a Sue invasion as Wammy's that had happened a few years before and a Great Cleansing. That and he had thoroughly interrogated Light.

"Raven arrived at Wammy's house near the beginning of the Sue boom and she quickly claimed the three top students as her own. She was a rather infamous whore, had more wit than some of the later students, extremely dangerous. We thought that she was gone for good after the cleansing. What on earth is going on?" Roger was ranting in distress.

"Look, don't have a heart attack here." Light tried to soothe the old man, then snorted with laughter. "Well, I suppose Kira is really the least of our problems right now."

"Unless he is responsible for this you mean. It seems like a bit of a strange coincidence. I'm sure, however, that Kira would love to draw attention elsewhere if he was already suspected, as you told me you were." Roger mused and Light cursed himself.

He had underestimated the man obviously, of course someone responsible for all these genius children would have to be marginally intelligent. He would not slip like this again.

"Right. The point is we need more information about these people. They claim to have somehow been sucked into our world but this is a rather banal explanation that seems entirely too convenient." Light continued, looking the other man confidently in the eye.

"Of course our primary objective is to find out how to get rid of them and free their victims from this coerced affection." Roger pointed out.

"The first step is still research." Light stated and folded his arms, leaning back in his chair and gazing out the window. In was autumn here and a bitter wind whipped around the orphanage stripping the trees of their leaves.

Roger followed his glance out of the window and remarked softly,

"It was a golden autumn. That is, until she came. Now the sun only shines when she wants to walk outside. Even then it's pale."

Light shivered and felt uneasy. He tried to turn his thoughts back to the safe topic of business; procedure and simple deduction. His mind remained morbidly transfixed by the grey lifeless sky outside and dread still filled him.

"Right… probably just a coincidence I guess." Muttered Light turning away from the outside.

"Yes, I suppose." Roger said faintly, although neither of them sounded convinced.

*

Roger was sure that the last week had been the most exhausting week in his entire life. He was kept running day and night trying to clean up after the pack of mad children gallivanting around the orphanage. Of course Yagami was no help at all, keeping to the little room Roger had so charitably provided and only emerging to beg more help from Roger.

This was of course why Roger really did hate children.

The research was proving to be fruitless as well, there was no mention of Raven or Cin in any other records. He and Light had resorted to Google after many long hours of phone calls and government records.

According to the rest of the world, Raven and Cin didn't even exist.

Searching simple descriptions or phrases proved to be a far more effective method. If Cin uttered a particularly unusual phrase that Mello, Matt and Near seemed to immediately except they would search it.

One late night they were both sitting at Roger's desk, tired faces lit from the harsh glow of the monitor. Yagami was looking less like his usually immaculate self that night and Roger observed that he had a less than charming habit of gnawing on his pencil when he was tired.

"Here's something interesting." Light observed, spitting eraser dust from between his teeth. "An old legend about young girls falling from other worlds. It's on some cultural awareness website."

Roger rolled his eyes at the boy, who was really beginning to grate on his nerves.

"Sounds like nonsense to me. Why don't you give it a shot." Light gave Roger a glare and defiantly clicked on the sight.

"'The Story of Maresu'. How do you even pronounce that?" Light stumbled over the world and looked angry with himself.

"It's a Native American story Light. I wouldn't expect you to be an expert in every dialect." Roger grinned.

"Whatever. It says 'there once was a powerful chief who led his people with compassion and courage. He lived in harmony with the land and in peace with the other men. But one day a strange young girl came into town. She had heard of his strength and bravery and had journeyed from a faraway land to seek him out. She told them that she was from another world and had fallen into theirs on a whim of the gods.'"

"Explain to me how this is relevant again." Roger interrupted but Light ignored him.

"'She had a strange complexion and she wore strange garments. All the men were entranced by her beauty but the chief most especially. His strange infatuation often put him in wild irrational moods. He no longer cared for his children and he no longer cared for his land. The tribe slowly began to fall into ruin.'"

"You do understand that this whole story was probably butchered in translation?" Roger commented but he sounded less certain.

"Most likely." Light replied, "But you can't deny the similarity."

"Alright then, how does it end?" Roger grumbled.

"Well it goes on for a while about how everything started to fall apart but basically the gist seems to be that everything that is happening now was happening then. It does have a happy ending though, some brave warrior banishes the girl with a burst of fire. That could just be the story though, people like happy endings." Light narrowed his eyes.

"A burst of fire? I don't suppose we could just toast Cin and Raven and then life would continue as normal?" Roger snorted.

"I'm getting a little tired of your attitude." Snarled Light. Roger wished for the thousandth time that Watari was back and he didn't have to work with this pompous devil child.

"It seems like a bit of a stretch. That these people have been cropping up in folklore for years and no one notices. If the phenomenon was any more than a childish fantasy then we would surely see it in other stories." Roger poured himself a glass of water and rubbed his sore feet.

"You mean stories like these?" Light said with a light smirk and Roger stared at the pages upon pages of results.

"What in the…" Roger found himself unable to finish his sentence.

"Egypt: A mysterious waif claims to be a lost princess and seduces a Pharaoh while his kingdom falls to invaders. Greece: A battlefield hero meets an orphan girl and falls madly in love and ignores the desolation of his country. Ireland: A king falls under the spell of a half-fairy banished from her realm and no longer bothers with his territorial conquest." Light skimmed through the pages.

"But how?" Roger was still shocked.

"It's been happening since the beginning of time. Lost princesses, abandoned maidens, tragic heroines; it's all there. The same traits over and over: unnatural clothes, overpowering beauty, reality warping power, mind-controlling charm. It's been happening forever. Every time there's a man everyone wants to get with some girl comes out of no where to ruin the whole thing." Light concluded and folded his arms.

"Looks like you've figured it out." Came a voice from behind them.

Roger dropped his glass of water

**Author's Note: Funny things guys. I wanted to write a kickin' finale so I worked really hard and well... it's 24 pages long. My bad. So, 2 parts? Alright. I had a lot of funny bringing these lovely ladies back. Did you miss them? **


	14. Chapter 14

Thank the lord she had fallen asleep, thought Beyond Birthday as he squirmed uncomfortably in his airplane seat. Although why she had felt the need to entwine herself around him before passing out was a mystery.

B shuddered and tried to unwrap her arm from his waist. Yumi gave a grunt and began to drool.

At least he was on his way to Wammy's House. He prayed that maybe someone there would be able to break the awful spell that was on him. This was his most desperate hour he hypothesized.

When Yumi was asleep a funny thing happened to BB. It was almost like time sped up, or maybe his brain just shut down. Somehow the world just couldn't go on long without Yumi at the controls.

B preferred to have her asleep so at least some of his desires were his own, even if he was incapable of acting on them. He had even developed a method for keeping her asleep as long as possible. If B had an internal monologue about her while she slept time seemed to move at a more normal rate, which was comforting.

Flying was generally unpleasant to B, being surrounded by people in general made his fingers itch and his neck get stiff. B cracked his neck irritable and tried again to shift Yumi off of him.

He remember how fine it had felt all those years ago when he had slaughtered all the Sues in Wammy's House. Surely they owed him for that. He had thought they were gone for good but apparently not.

What was the particularly satisfactory kill? Cin, that was what she had called herself. At least he wouldn't have to deal with her again.

Yumi stirred in his lap and woke up, B felt his will power slowly ebb away and his concentration shift only to her.

"So we're getting off the plane now." She said in a soft melodious voice. B's mind was spinning.

"Yeah… I mean, no. We won't get there for hours!" B exclaimed jerking himself back into reality.

"Actually I think we're there now." Yumi said and her tone was harsher. B tried to correct her but to his amazement at that moment the pilot announced that they would be landing in Heathrow airport shortly. He should probably expect this by now.

"I'm so excited to see Wammy's House B! I hope it's just like the show!" Yumi was babbling. "But there's one thing…" She sounded slightly nervous and her undefined eyes flashed a little.

"What is it dear?" B replied flatly.

"You don't think L will be there? Will he?" Yumi bit her lip watched him carefully.

"No he doesn't visit often." B answered.

"Excellent, excellent."

*

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Light, trying to cover his embarrassment at the squeal of terror he had emitted a few seconds earlier.

The girl who had apparently just materialized behind them smiled angelically. She wasn't a particularly remarkable girl, looked like your average middle-schooler mostly. She had shoulder-length brown fuzz, an acne-ridden face, and wore a baggy t-shirt with the phrase 'Death Note' emblazoned on it.

Light groaned.

"Let me guess, you've mysteriously fallen into our world. What's your name now?"

The girl folded her arms a raised an eyebrow.

"My name is Bai and I am not another Sue so you can quit staring me down like that." She rubbed her nose a little, which was running.

"Bai huh? What's that another fake Asian name?" Light continued giving her his most skeptical glare.

"It stands for Blatant Author Insert. I've come into the story to fix a few problems." The girl chirped and then blew her nose hard into a tissue.

Roger slowly seemed to rouse himself at the sound. Light watched as the old man carefully considered the girl before him.

"I don't think she's another sue Light. Just look at her. She doesn't look perfect and she doesn't seem out of place." Roger said slowly. Light acknowledged this with a deeply suspicious grunt.

"You see I started writing this and I thought it would be really awesome because I had these really cool OCs and I'm super good at writing romance and stuff. But about a week ago someone told me that all my OCs were Mary Sues so I thought I had better check. I put them all through a test on the Internet and sure enough I have a Sue problem!" Bai said very quickly.

"Obviously you have a problem here!" Light spluttered. "So what do we do now? How can you help us?"

"Well I'll just have to track down my OCs and modify them so they aren't Sues anymore!" Bai noted scornfully.

"Can't we just get rid of them?" Light pleaded. "I just don't see why they're necessary at all. What if they come back?"

"They won't." Declared Bai firmly. "I'm going to make sure that these turn into good characters."

Roger nodded to himself as she spoke, his calculating gaze surprisingly trusting.

"This girl is our only hope Light. She's the only one with power over them. We're helpless by ourselves." Roger said soothingly, putting a hand on Light's shoulder.

Light brushed the hand off irritably and grimaced.

"Fine." He snarled. "You two do what you want. I'm going to stay here and figure this out by myself."

And that was that.

*

Roger found that he quickly grew fond of the young Bai. Although she was less than fortunate in the looks department and had a generally awkward feel to her, Roger could sense that she really did want the best for them.

If her heart was in the right place then what was the problem?

"Cin is right here in the house so it won't be a problem finding her. Raven is in Japan with L and I have no idea about the other one you mentioned." Roger explained, leading Bai down the long hallways of Wammy's.

"Good. I'll call Raven here at once, some sort of plot device can be arranged." Bai mumbled.

Much of what Bai mumbled didn't really make a lot of sense to Roger but his assumption was that she regarded everything as a literary device. An odd quirk, although in his profession he was certainly used to that.

"So what are you going to do to them exactly?" Roger queried.

"Well I had originally intended Cin to be a tough and rebellious heroine but she seems to have gotten a little out of hand. I'll just make her less tough all the time to give her some vulnerability and character depth." Bai explained then pulled another crumpled tissue from her pocket.

"Er, right… but how will this stop her from being a Sue again?" Roger looked doubtful.

"Just trust me! Then when Raven get's here I'll stop her from whining so much. I originally wanted her a little more vulnerable and gentle but now she just seems wimpy. I'll make her more badass and we're good to go." Bai continued.

"So the opposite of Cin?" Roger raised his eyebrows and ran a hand through his sparse gray hair.

"Sort of. Then when we find Yumi I'm just going to have to make her more normal. I kept giving her new powers because I though they were cool but she needs to be a little more average." Bai concluded.

"It sounds sort of like you're just combining all your characters to make another one." Roger pointed out.

Bai gaped in awe.

"That's a great idea! Oh my gosh, you should be my editor, that is awesome!" Bai squealed and hugged Roger around the middle, nearly knocking him over.

Roger rolled his eyes: children.

*

Raven didn't want to go. She was getting along perfectly fine where she was. But the tug was strong and she knew she had to follow the pull of the plot.

Should she call Yumi and tell her? No, it wasn't important enough. The plan was perfect, this was nothing.

Besides Raven had never really liked Yumi. Yumi and her superior snobbish laugh. Who'd elected her leader? Raven could get along fine on her own.

Who needed Yumi anyways?

*

Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji herself was in fact at that moment wondering the same things.

She had insisted that they take the train to Winchester, it was so much more romantic than a taxi. Now she was sitting next to B on the train, that sense of unease still growing in her stomach.

Yumi knew that she could not be seen by L. The whole plan could be ruined if she was recognized. There was almost no chance that he would be there now, unless of course Raven was incredibly stupid and had not called her.

Raven, she couldn't rely on Raven. Raven thought she was smarter, did she? She should know better than to disobey Yumi.

But of course Raven wouldn't come. Mello, Matt and Near were there and Raven would never risk exposing herself to them on a whim. She was brighter than that oaf Cin at least.

The thing that bothered Yumi the most was the very faint plot tug she felt. Perhaps it was for Cin. It certainly wasn't for her, she was there of her own free will, wasn't she?

"Yumi darling?" Beyond's soft voice came from her side. Yumi began to snap at him but quickly stopped herself.

"Yes B?" She purred. He was so sensitive and gentle, as all serial killers certainly were.

"You're hurting my hand a little dear." He said through clenched teeth. Yumi looked down to discover that she had apparently been digging her nails into his flesh.

"Sorry! I'm just so excited! I totally loved all the Wammy characters! They're way cooler than stupid Kira!" Yumi reassured.

Everything would be fine, she told herself. She'd just claim that she and Cin were old friends and no one would think twice about it.

Nothing could go wrong could it?

*

Cin was having so much fun.

Mello, Matt and Near were three times the fun of Beyond. Plus no one had even tried to murder her. Stupid B. Her neck itched all the time now.

"Let's listen to Evanescence now! Come here Near, I'll do your eyeliner! I sure love being inside my favorite anime!" Cin called.

They came running of course. Just how she wanted them. Finally Cin was in charge. The plan really was perfect.

Cin wondered who the new girl was that they had brought in a few days earlier. She had the nagging suspicion that she should call Yumi and tell her but why bother?

The girl wasn't even pretty, surely she couldn't be a threat. There was nothing to worry about. Cin was fine.

She was the prettiest wasn't she?

*

It was a pale cold morning in Winchester, England when it happened. A light frost lay on the trees and grass, shriveling the late flowers before their time.

Inside the orphanage a warm glow radiated from the study where Roger and Bai were drinking their tea and awaiting the arrival of Yumi and Raven.

Up at the top of the house, in a smaller colder room, sat Light Yagami. He looked haggard and strained in front his computer screen, rubbing his forehead and scraping at a pencil with his teeth.

Below came the screams and laughter of Cin's mad gang. They were running from room to room, playing a flirtatious game of tag.

A taxi pulled up in front of Wammy's House and a girl got out. Her long black hair whipped around her face in the bitter wind and her eyes looked hard. A man followed behind her, bent over with a mass of dark hair swirling around his head.

They closed the door and the path was empty again. The taxi pulled away. It began to snow.

Only a minute later two people came walking up a side road and turned into the front garden. The girl didn't seem to be wearing quite enough to keep herself warm but her icy eyes showed no sign of discomfort. She had a California tan and her long hair billowed around her. The man following her, however, was nearly identical to the first.

They walked into the house together. Wammy's House was quiet and still once more. But not for long…

*

"Hi!" Said the dark-haired girl to Roger. "I'm from another world, my name is Raven! I've come to see my friend Cin, I heard she was here. We were so close back at home and she was the only cool person there!"

"L?" Roger breathed, horrified at the blank obedient look in the great detectives eyes.

Cin came tearing down the hall and leapt into Raven's arms. Raven, of course, collapsed under her weight but both girls lay on the ground giggling.

"Raven?" Came a terrified voice from the end of the hallway. Mello and Matt were stricken and even Near was clinging in horror to Mello's hand.

Raven blanched.

"Oh shit! Yumi's going to kill me!" She howled, realizing her fatal mistake too late.

"You're damn right I am!" Came a terrible voice from behind them and there stood Yumi.

"Yumi?" L cowered behind Roger, the trance broken.

"Sorry ladies." Bai folded her arms. "The game's over."

*

Freedom was delicious, thought B. He wasn't sure he had ever really come to appreciate it, even after being in prison all those years. Yet now here he was, relishing every moment where his thoughts were his own.

Yumi, Raven and Cin were tied up in the kitchen while Bai worked out a plan to combine them into one improved character. Cin had been bawling for the last hour while Raven and Yumi tried to blame one another. B smiled.

The rest of Wammy's House had seemed somewhat surprised to see him. They had all stood around and looked uncomfortable for a minute but then had quickly decided that until this crisis was completely averted no one would bother B about being an escaped convict.

"Alright then guys, gather round." Bai announced after about half an hour of scribbling down notes in a battered notepad.

B's smile widened, revenge and Sue killing being his two favorite things in the world. Here they were together and his heart was just pounding.

L, Mello, Matt and Near still seemed a little dazed, rather fuzzy around the edges and definitely not in top metal condition. Beyond Birthday, being the unique individual that he was, seemed less affected.

"Now I think I've written a pretty good character that won't ruin anything okay? Let's begin." And Bai began to read her new character description. At first it seemed that nothing was happening.

Then all at once Yumi began to scream, followed shortly by Raven. They were running together somehow, like smeared ink. Yumi's flawless skin was bubbling and oozing. Raven's eyes looked like they were spilling down her face.

Even B shuddered at the sight.

Cin began to wail as her back slowly merged into Yumi and Raven's. All three pairs of eyes began to flash madly from color to color. An inhuman scream was pulsing though the room, rising higher and higher.

All at once it was over. A single girl lay sprawled on the floor, her face hidden by dark brown hair.

Nobody spoke. Near sneezed after a moment and the quiet seemed to break.

"Well then." Bai said a little shakily. "Looks like it worked."

The girl on the ground stirred a little then slowly rolled to her feet. B gagged.

She was the most divine, lovely, exquisite, gorgeous creature he had ever laid eyes on. Her full lips were pouted and curved into an angelic smile. He rich lustrous eyes were flecked with every color you could imagine and shifted like a kaleidoscope. Her long mahogany hair swirled in delicate waves, framing her face perfectly.

"I'm going to call her Yumi Raven Lucinda Toyota Siren Phoenix Dusk Jade Shadow Nintendo Cooper Hikari Brooklyn Athena Mickenzie Winter Sushi-Fuji… and maybe Mystik-fyre Topaz for good measure." Bai proclaimed.

"What have you done?" Wailed Beyond Birthday, truly frightened for the first time in his life.

Roger looked like he was going to faint and was clinging to the countertop like it might make the atrocious thing in front of him disappear.

"How could this…?" He whispered in a hoarse voice. "How could I…?"

The traumatized L, Mello, Matt and Near began to sob rather hysterically.

"What's wrong?" Bai asked in a blissfully ignorant tone. "Don't you like her?"

No one could bring themselves to answer.

"Oh I get it." Bai finally said, looking sly. "You don't identify with her. She's just too cool! Oh well, I can fix that too. I'm really great at writing you know."

"No!" B yelled quickly. "What ever you do, do not try to 'fix' things again!"

"Is that an insult?" Bai said darkly, blowing her nose hard in a surprisingly menacing way. "I don't like flamers. I want constructive criticism."

"Some things…" Roger mumbled weakly. "Can never be fixed."

"But I can do it!" Bai looked like she might cry. "I'll just make her more like me! Then she'll be more normal, I can do it!"

And before anyone could stop her Bai leapt at the mega-sue on the ground. There was a blinding flash and then a horrible laugh.

"At last! Such power!" Cried the Bai/Yumi/Raven/Cin. "Now I can finally complete my mission. The age of Mary-Sue shall finally begin! At long last original characters will take their rightful place above canon characters! At last!"

"Is anyone ready for my help yet?" Came an exasperated voice at the door.

*

Light was not by any means deaf and had roused himself immediately at the sound of commotion. Of course he didn't really want to see whatever was down behind that door but Light was a man usually driven by his sense of duty.

Although he cursed himself thoroughly for even bothering, Light had a charitable, if misguided, heart. He hurried down the rickety steps before bolting into the kitchen where the trouble seemed to be occurring.

The monster that towered over the helpless victims in the kitchen looked strangely familiar to Light and for a moment he stood dumbstruck with the rest of them. When no one showed any signs of helping, however, Light deemed it prudent to act as he saw fit.

"I suppose you're wishing that you listened to me Roger." Light said smoothly, unable to resist gloating a little. "If you had you might have found out how to kill a Sue with out that idiot girl."

"Light? You're going to save us?" Asked L, rubbing his eyes a little and looking confused.

"At this point I'm wondering if it's worth it." Light griped. "But still here it is: for those of us who actually do research there is a special weapon that can defeat any Sue. Even one of these epic proportions."

"What is it?" Roger breathed and the Bai/Yumi/Raven/Cin turned as well, eyeing Light with doubt.

"The canon cannon." Light whispered dramatically.

Roger gave a snort of laughter.

"What? The canon cannon, it's kind of funny." He snickered as Light gave him a glare.

"Only a canon character can use it. It banishes all original characters because here's the funny truth: they're all Sues. Even if they aren't perfect or even the love interest, they are inserted as plot aids or conflicts and that still makes a Sue." Light grinned up at the enormous Sue, cocky as usual.

"So where is the canon cannon?" Roger asked. Light blushed.

"Well, I was interrupted so actually… I don't really know."

Beyond Birthday gave himself a resounding smack to the forehead.

"It's not my fault! I didn't see you guys lining up to help!" Light defended himself but he was drowned out by the thundering laughter of the Sue.

"It seems a little useless now Light!" Shouted Roger over the din. Light grew pale.

"Then what do we do?" He asked with rising hysteria.

"I don't know! We're doomed!" Cried Roger back. The laughing Sue began to glow and a strange unnatural wind whipped around the room.

"Doomed! Doomed!" Echoed the distraught Wammy boys.

"But we have to do something!" Light was panicking now, his hair rippling madly across his face.

"You've had it all along Light." Called someone from the door.

There was a girl standing there in a low cut top and high-heeled boots.

"Linda?" Roger was incredulous.

"Yep! You've all had the canon cannon the whole time! Every canon character has it! It's in your hearts!" Linda called out passionately.

"Too much." B said and leaned against the wall, resigned. "Just over the top. No. I am not participating."

"Hurry, use the cannon!" Linda urged. "She's getting stronger by the minute, soon she'll be able to control you all!"

"How do we use it?" Roger was puzzled, tapping at his chest experimentally.

"You're a terrible writer!" Called Light and to everyone's amazement the Sue gave a scream as she was struck by a burst of flame. Encouraged, Roger tried it.

"You're character is terrible!" The Sue began to sink back towards the ground. B stepped foreword and grinned.

"This isn't so bad; you insult the English language!" The bright glow dimmed as the Sue sank lower. Mello called out.

"This is cliché!" The wind was dying down. Matt followed Mello's lead.

"This is boring!" The Sue kept screaming as she was bombarded by fire. Near stepped forward and bellowed,

"This is stupid!"

Light grinned and gave a final shout.

"Stop writing forever!"

The Sue exploded.

All that was left of Yumi, Raven, Cin and even Bai was an ugly stain in the carpet and a rotten smell.

Mello, Matt and Near ran screaming out of the room to go hide under some nearby beds for the next week. Roger promptly passed out and Linda sidled away, lighting a cigarette.

Light stood looking at the little stain on the ground, transfixed. It was L who spoke first.

"I suppose I should thank you Light." He said softly. Light shrugged. "And I suppose I should apologize too."

"Apologize? For what?" Light asked, raising his eyebrow a fraction.

"For suspecting you. I see now that you really aren't who I thought you were." L shrugged.

Beyond Birthday gave a nod and stretched out his hand to Light.

"Peace then?"

Light considered the hand for a long moment. Then quietly he began to laugh.

"Hell no! Not now, not ever. I wrote your name down the minute Raven told everyone because she thought it was cuter. You're actually going to die in about 10 seconds." Light grinned rather madly. L's jaw dropped.

"What the-?"

"You too, Beyond Birthday. You're a dirty criminal. Now if you excuse me I have a new world to rule. Sues don't screw with Kira." And with that Light left, he had a plane to catch.

About an hour later Watari finally let himself into the house to find Roger passed out in the kitchen with a dead L and Beyond Birthday, the rest of the children hiding in their rooms, and a stain in his favorite rug. He didn't ask for an explanation.

"Take one damn week of vacation and everything falls apart. Now whose going to clean up this bloody mess?"

_THE END_

**Author's Note: I love a happy ending. Well, this was fun guys. Thanks for your support. BUT WAIT. Make sure to look for more from me. I have some really groovy ideas for other stories (naturally parody) just not in this style. Always remember: Sues don't screw with Kira. **

**Until we meet again my friends.**


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